Sunday, September 8, 2019

Jim's Fanfics, Bull's Blog, and Cole's Tweets (Dragon Age Inquisition Characters on Social Media... )

What if Skyhold had Wi-Fi? Here's my imagining of who would do what on the 'Net... 

Cassandra: What are you two talking about?
Solas: It will make little sense unless one has spent more time in the Fade.

So yeah... I've had a tough summer, and I'm in a silly mood. So let's have some fun!

What if Thedas existed in an age of the Internet? I always thought it was a potentially fun thing to headcanon, so come with me, won't you, as I imagine that Skyhold is wired (and with all the best Wi-Fi)!

But what would our favorite Dragon Age: Inquisition companions and advisors actually DO with the 'Net or social media? Let's explore the options! Here's my take... what's yours?

The Iron Bull
I know everyone thinks Bull would look at porn, and I guess he probably would, but my thing isif you're having as much great sex as Bull almost certainly is, would you still look at porn? I kind of mentally imagine he's more like that meme where he's pretending to look at porn, when he's actually taking a quiz on what candle scent he is (and besides, the whole idea of that is too precious for words).

So I also think Bull would be, like, really addicted to Amazon. He'd be all tough in real life while secretly ordering his favorite horn balm, frangipani bath salts, and, er, tasteful, highly rated (and probably exotic) sex toys.

Meanwhile, I think Bull might actually have a really interesting YouTube channel"Confessions of a Ben Hassrath," where he might teach people about how to do things, like be a spy ("Tell everyone you meet you're a spy to throw them off!"), read reactions like a spy while hiding their own emotions, and how to remember minutiae about everyone you meet ("That butcher looks suspicious... why?"). Leliana could guest star and show up and icily scare Bull's other guests. I think the channel would be anonymous to start with, but would be a tremendous hit. It would also be quietly popular with certain people far, far away... under the Qun.

Bull would also totally have a vlog about shield block and bash techniques, and Krem would be heavily featured in all of them. Doing it wrong, of course, then perfectly. They would also offer bonus videos on the benefits of having people hit you after you go through the Fade. This would, of course, also become a popular YouTube challenge, with regrettable homemade videos cataloging the catastrophic results. Bull would carefully "like" and "favorite" all results, then Stitches would comment offering first aid techniques.

Bull would also, as a matter of course, have all of the Wi-Fi passwords at Skyhold. I'm guessing this would be a small group including Leliana, Josie, and (because I think he's sneaky enough) Varric. I also think he'd be an efficient and businesslike user of the Dark Web when occasion required.

Krem's fascinating to me—not just because he's handsome and quietly loyal, nor because he's a terrific and thoughtful trans character, but also because he's so goshdarned normal! In the midst of the angst-ridden gang at Skyhold, Krem seems to have an inner peace most others lack. He knows who he is and has the confidence that goes with that knowledge. He's honestly so contained and organized that I'm not sure he'd spend a ton of time on social media. He knows what he wants from life.

However, I do think he might quietly contribute to a variety of Facebook pages and Reddit forums on catapults, sewing, and life as trans, offering advice and support. 

I also think he'd probably have quietly started the Haven Memorial Facebook page.

I had so much fun trying to imagine our Cass on social media! My take is that Cassandra would write abrupt, slightly dry blog posts on the Seekers and the Chantry. I think she would also guest-star on Bull's sparring video series ("The Art of the Shield Bash"), stoically and expressionlessly hitting him with a stick after Fade reenactments, punctuated by her patented disgusted noises at various intervals. 

I think she'd also secretly blog—anonymously (and probably on several Reddit forums)—at great length—about Swords & Shields. She'd also admin a Facebook group, Facebook page and Pinterest fan page on it, as well. The best part: In my mind, unbeknownst to Cass, Varric is very much aware of who runs them all. Which just makes it even more enjoyable for him when responding to posts, conspiracy theories, and shippers.

Sometimes, I headcanon that he trolls there, very gently, just for fun.

Solas's channel would be "It is not Tevinter... it is Elven," and it would not be a huge success, but it would get more views than his companions would have expected (and they would feel slightly mystified and envious). Solas would also write slightly dry and academic blog posts on "The Unseen Fade," and "What the Dalish Got Wrong." Sadly, most people would miss the real wisdom and discovery there by falling asleep before the end.

I believe Solas will eventually also do a series of YouTube travel videos where he hits all those Dread Wolf shrines across Thedas, sighs, then tells us vaguely how incorrectly presented they are (lovingly! I mean it lovingly!). 

Best of all, because Solas can Netflix from the Fade, this means he watches EVERYTHING. Among the many titles, I believe Solas would be secretly obsessed with "Chef's Table," "Tidying up with Marie Kondu," and all time-travel sagas, especially (and perhaps surprisingly) Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

Meanwhile, I think Dorian would totally have a channel on wine-tasting, history, and on traveling the "Hidden Tevinter." He would be a vocal sharer and frequent commenter on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," and would passive-aggressively troll Bull's Ben-Hassrath channel. He would also, quietly and sadly, have Google alerts set up on Alexius, Felix, his father, and (via an anonymous mailbox) The Iron Bull.

Meanwhile, Dorian's channel would also always include scenes of Dorian framed against a variety of beautiful locales in profile, thoughtfully sipping the latest vintage. Guests would include all the most beautiful people at Skyhold, certainly... but overwhelmingly... all the most competent wits and artisans. Dorian loves to appear superficial but... he is anything but.

He'd also privately contribute ridiculous sums to all the Haven and other charities being crowdfunded. Because he's classy like that.

Varric is a bit of a cipher to me, in the best way. He seems like everyone's best friend, but he's also one of the most secretive people we meet in Dragon Age, in some ways, and he's able to keep those secrets effectively. That breezy, faux-open exterior protects his secret heart and motivations as effectively as a walnut shell protects its vulnerable soft center.

So for me, Varric's entire social media presence would be a combination of his fascinating inner and outer selves. As he's always savvy at branding himself as an author, I think he'd have an openly, mildly entertaining vlog in which he'd discuss and read from his Hard in Hightown and Tale of the Champion series, with special guest appearances from various heroes.

I think Varric would also be a witty and entertaining tweeter, mostly about his own work, about the politics of Kirkwall, that he'd post regularly and anonymously on Reddit in order to troll Swords and Shields, and that he'd also occasionally and quietly write eloquent and beautiful e-mails to Bianca... that he finishes, and never sends. 

I also find it entertaining to imagine that Varric is an adept user of the Dark Web, which he accesses both for his work with the Carta, as well as in managing his own spy network, and even (occasionally) for the Inquisition.

No matter what Varric shared about his writings, I do believe, as noted above, that Cassandra would secretly read and ponder each and every one of them.

I like to think that Cullen's YouTube channel (launched after the events of "Trespasser") would simply be My Favorite Mabari (now with even more mabari!). Cullen might also launch a Pinterest page with pictures of dogs from his various adventures, and then forget how to access it.

I think our perfectly coiffed Commander would be a staunch follower of Krem's Haven Memorial Facebook Page, and he would also give generously to various GoFundMe efforts on behalf of soldiers, families or villages affected by the Breach. His e-mails would be brief and perfunctory, and his Internet surfing would be pretty vanilla and inoffensive, although perhaps his greatest secret would be his enthusiastic and regular participation (via a fake account) in the Facebook Storvacker fan group.

I think Sera would totally have a YouTube channel, just called PRANKS!, with the entirety consisting of her various pranks at Skyhold from a hidden camera, punctuated by insults, fart noises, and rare cookie reviews. She'd also be caught frequently waving her naked booty at Vivienne, who would then pause to gaze expressionlessly, pose in her usual statuesque way for the camera, roll her eyes, and stroll off. 

Sera would eventually evolve her channel into a sort of "Skyhold Punk'd" channel that will get an insane number of clicks.

Josephine would follow all social media adeptly, courteously and seamlessly. She would also co-host a podcast on Investing in Thedas.

I also headcanon that Josie would have a lot of bookmarks about dolls. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot of dolls.

After discovering The Iron Bull en flagrante with a romanced Inquisitor, Josie also visits a few additional websites, surfing incognito. The websites are hot, sexy, and feature the frequent use of 'watchwords.'

Leliana would tweet about shoes as NugMommy101. I think she might also blog incognito about her adventures as a bard. Everyone would read them. Sex, violence, intrigue. They would cause two huge scandals in Orlais when some of the hidden participants were suspected. 

Sometimes Josephine edits Leliana's blog posts to make sure there are no telltale nug or shoe references that would give her away.

Blackwall wouldn't be a huge user of social media, I think, although he'd follow all the Grey Warden Facebook and Twitter accounts religiously. I also think he'd have Google Alerts set up on Thomas Rainier, Lord Vincent Callier, Ser Robert Chapuis, and on Warden Blackwall as well.

He'd also be a casual fan of Bull's videos on shield blocking and bashes, as well as of Cullen's My Favorite Mabari channel. Eventually, encouraged by Cole, he would launch a blog on woodworking.

Vivienne would have an Instagram that had a dash of GOOP to it, and she would only post once a week, exquisite items that had no real bearing on life. She would NOT have a YouTube channel of any kind, and when questioned on this, would laugh politely and say, "My dear... you can't be serious. Me, with one of those horrid... video things? No, thank you." But nevertheless, Viv would always manage to be around Skyhold for other video tapings.

I do think Madame de Fer would be a pretty frequent Twitter user, and she would be both popular and widely hated in equal measure for her views on mages and the Circles. She would be followed by all the top aristocrats and leaders in Thedas.

Scout Harding
Scout Harding would have a widely followed Instagram channel featuring her candid shots of the best trails in Thedas, as well as a helpful field guide to herbs. 

Sometimes her trail pictures include cautious, faraway pictures of dragons that are also just a little bit yearning.

Dagna takes active part in a variety of websites and social media discussions on arcana. She also has a funny, charming blog in which she writes about her theories and inventions in a run-on, breezy, stream-of-consciousness fashion. Sometimes, she forgets to break up the paragraphs so the posts are simply long, chirpy, rambling walls of text.

Since she is sweet and generous, Dagna will sometimes try to get Harritt to chime in on her blog posts, and when he doesn't, she instead begins to quote him affectionately on his reactions to her inventions:
Just finished this fantastic new shield device that protects with vibration, much like the Fade, and Harritt touched it and then made a face because he said it made his teeth taste funny.
The header for Dagna's website, blog and social media pages features a scribbled figure of Dagna with rosy cheeks and a big smile, and with beams of magic and sunlight radiating off her small figure. Dancing around her is a swarm of friendly bees with heart-eyes.

The Inquisitor
My Inquisitor, meanwhile, simply vagueposts on Facebook when things get stressful, likes every single post by her companions and advisors, drinks too much at the Herald's Rest, deletes the vagueposts, then plays a hell of a lot of Candy Crush.

Skyhold Hallway Gossips
They have a Facebook page called Whispers at Skyhold (also a Twitter channel) that faithfully covers the romantic entanglements at Skyhold (both real and imagined) in the most florid language possible. 

The blog is a huge hit with everyone, except Cassandra, who publicly loathes it but who secretly loves it, and she'd honestly give her left breastplate to find out who's writing it. 

Jim publicly manages Cullen's Facebook page and official Twitter account, but he is constantly haunted by the secret of his feelings for the Commander, so he deletes as many tweets and posts as he actually sends.

Sometimes, late at night, Jim also writes hot, steamy and popular fiction about a handsome Commander who realizes that he is passionately in love with his loyal lieutenant "James:"
Their eyes met from across the warm confines of the office, and even in the glow of the firelight, James could see the passion in his Commander's handsome face. In one swift move, Cullen crossed to James, locking him in a tight and hungry embrace as he spoke one word that was half-moan, half-confession... "James..."
... and Jim hastily shoves the papers away as Cullen walks back in. But never fear, he posts his chapters (187 and counting) to Archive of Our Own, where it has received over 25,000 hits (many of them reputedly from the Orlesian court).

The Nug King
The Nug King would have a Twitter account with millions of followers, and would himself follow zero other accounts. The account would tweet out brief, cryptic pronouncements at various times, such as:

judging u
squeaks deferentially
its gud to be the king

I think that Cole would have Twitter, which he would enjoy for its constant existence in the present tense, as well as for its limitation of tweets to short bursts of thought and emotion. 

Intrigued by this new art form, Cole would eventually just tweet weird random things and feelings and impressions:

A fennec is a fox with a secret cat inside.
My teeth feel lonely today.
They tried to give me a mattress. So many feathers! The birds are sad.
Tony Stark's secret is that he is iron on the inside too.

It would be the most popular Twitter channel in Thedas, with millions of followers. Vivienne sometimes cries tears of rage because he has so many more followers than she does.

Sometimes, rarely, Cole will tweet to Solas, as if continuing a conversation he is confident is still taking place.

If she was in a romance with Solas, Lavellan will silently "like" each one of these tweets... and never, ever mention them.


"Dragon Age: Dreadwolf" Predictions & Ponderings (and "What's in a Name?" Redux)

He doesn't call, he doesn't write, but finally, it looks like we might be hearing from Solas at last (2023?), as BioWare announces t...