Jim's Fanfics, Bull's Blog, and Cole's Tweets (Dragon Age Inquisition Characters on Social Media... )

What if Skyhold had Wi-Fi? Here's my imagining of who would do what on the 'Net... 

Cassandra: What are you two talking about?
Solas: It will make little sense unless one has spent more time in the Fade.

So yeah... I've had a tough summer, and I'm in a silly mood. So let's have some fun!

What if Thedas existed in an age of the Internet? I always thought it was a potentially fun thing to headcanon, so come with me, won't you, as I imagine that Skyhold is wired (and with all the best Wi-Fi)!

But what would our favorite Dragon Age: Inquisition companions and advisors actually DO with the 'Net or social media? Let's explore the options! Here's my take... what's yours?

The Iron Bull
I know everyone thinks Bull would look at porn, and I guess he probably would, but my thing is—if you're having as much great sex as Bull almost certainly is, would you still look at porn? I kind of mentally imagine he's more like that meme where he's pretending to look at porn, when he's actually taking a quiz on what candle scent he is (and besides, the whole idea of that is too precious for words).

So I also think Bull would be, like, really addicted to Amazon. He'd be all tough in real life while secretly ordering his favorite horn balm, frangipani bath salts, and, er, tasteful, highly rated (and probably exotic) sex toys.

Meanwhile, I think Bull might actually have a really interesting YouTube channel—"Confessions of a Ben Hassrath," where he might teach people about how to do things, like be a spy ("Tell everyone you meet you're a spy to throw them off!"), read reactions like a spy while hiding their own emotions, and how to remember minutiae about everyone you meet ("That butcher looks suspicious... why?"). Leliana could guest star and show up and icily scare Bull's other guests. I think the channel would be anonymous to start with, but would be a tremendous hit. It would also be quietly popular with certain people far, far away... under the Qun.

Bull would also totally have a vlog about shield block and bash techniques, and Krem would be heavily featured in all of them. Doing it wrong, of course, then perfectly. They would also offer bonus videos on the benefits of having people hit you after you go through the Fade. This would, of course, also become a popular YouTube challenge, with regrettable homemade videos cataloging the catastrophic results. Bull would carefully "like" and "favorite" all results, then Stitches would comment offering first aid techniques.

Bull would also, as a matter of course, have all of the Wi-Fi passwords at Skyhold. I'm guessing this would be a small group including Leliana, Josie, and (because I think he's sneaky enough) Varric. I also think he'd be an efficient and businesslike user of the Dark Web when occasion required.

Krem
Krem's fascinating to me—not just because he's handsome and quietly loyal, nor because he's a terrific and thoughtful trans character, but also because he's so goshdarned normal! In the midst of the angst-ridden gang at Skyhold, Krem seems to have an inner peace most others lack. He knows who he is and has the confidence that goes with that knowledge. He's honestly so contained and organized that I'm not sure he'd spend a ton of time on social media. He knows what he wants from life.

However, I do think he might quietly contribute to a variety of Facebook pages and Reddit forums on catapults, sewing, and life as trans, offering advice and support. 

I also think he'd probably have quietly started the Haven Memorial Facebook page.

Cassandra
I had so much fun trying to imagine our Cass on social media! My take is that Cassandra would write abrupt, slightly dry blog posts on the Seekers and the Chantry. I think she would also guest-star on Bull's sparring video series ("The Art of the Shield Bash"), stoically and expressionlessly hitting him with a stick after Fade reenactments, punctuated by her patented disgusted noises at various intervals. 

I think she'd also secretly blog—anonymously (and probably on several Reddit forums)—at great length—about Swords & Shields. She'd also admin a Facebook group, Facebook page and Pinterest fan page on it, as well. The best part: In my mind, unbeknownst to Cass, Varric is very much aware of who runs them all. Which just makes it even more enjoyable for him when responding to posts, conspiracy theories, and shippers.

Sometimes, I headcanon that he trolls there, very gently, just for fun.

Solas
Solas's channel would be "It is not Tevinter... it is Elven," and it would not be a huge success, but it would get more views than his companions would have expected (and they would feel slightly mystified and envious). Solas would also write slightly dry and academic blog posts on "The Unseen Fade," and "What the Dalish Got Wrong." Sadly, most people would miss the real wisdom and discovery there by falling asleep before the end.

I believe Solas will eventually also do a series of YouTube travel videos where he hits all those Dread Wolf shrines across Thedas, sighs, then tells us vaguely how incorrectly presented they are (lovingly! I mean it lovingly!). 

Best of all, because Solas can Netflix from the Fade, this means he watches EVERYTHING. Among the many titles, I believe Solas would be secretly obsessed with "Chef's Table," "Tidying up with Marie Kondu," and all time-travel sagas, especially (and perhaps surprisingly) Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

Dorian
Meanwhile, I think Dorian would totally have a channel on wine-tasting, history, and on traveling the "Hidden Tevinter." He would be a vocal sharer and frequent commenter on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," and would passive-aggressively troll Bull's Ben-Hassrath channel. He would also, quietly and sadly, have Google alerts set up on Alexius, Felix, his father, and (via an anonymous mailbox) The Iron Bull.

Meanwhile, Dorian's channel would also always include scenes of Dorian framed against a variety of beautiful locales in profile, thoughtfully sipping the latest vintage. Guests would include all the most beautiful people at Skyhold, certainly... but overwhelmingly... all the most competent wits and artisans. Dorian loves to appear superficial but... he is anything but.

He'd also privately contribute ridiculous sums to all the Haven and other charities being crowdfunded. Because he's classy like that.

Varric
Varric is a bit of a cipher to me, in the best way. He seems like everyone's best friend, but he's also one of the most secretive people we meet in Dragon Age, in some ways, and he's able to keep those secrets effectively. That breezy, faux-open exterior protects his secret heart and motivations as effectively as a walnut shell protects its vulnerable soft center.

So for me, Varric's entire social media presence would be a combination of his fascinating inner and outer selves. As he's always savvy at branding himself as an author, I think he'd have an openly, mildly entertaining vlog in which he'd discuss and read from his Hard in Hightown and Tale of the Champion series, with special guest appearances from various heroes.

I think Varric would also be a witty and entertaining tweeter, mostly about his own work, about the politics of Kirkwall, that he'd post regularly and anonymously on Reddit in order to troll Swords and Shields, and that he'd also occasionally and quietly write eloquent and beautiful e-mails to Bianca... that he finishes, and never sends. 

I also find it entertaining to imagine that Varric is an adept user of the Dark Web, which he accesses both for his work with the Carta, as well as in managing his own spy network, and even (occasionally) for the Inquisition.

No matter what Varric shared about his writings, I do believe, as noted above, that Cassandra would secretly read and ponder each and every one of them.

Cullen
I like to think that Cullen's YouTube channel (launched after the events of "Trespasser") would simply be My Favorite Mabari (now with even more mabari!). Cullen might also launch a Pinterest page with pictures of dogs from his various adventures, and then forget how to access it.

I think our perfectly coiffed Commander would be a staunch follower of Krem's Haven Memorial Facebook Page, and he would also give generously to various GoFundMe efforts on behalf of soldiers, families or villages affected by the Breach. His e-mails would be brief and perfunctory, and his Internet surfing would be pretty vanilla and inoffensive, although perhaps his greatest secret would be his enthusiastic and regular participation (via a fake account) in the Facebook Storvacker fan group.

Sera
I think Sera would totally have a YouTube channel, just called PRANKS!, with the entirety consisting of her various pranks at Skyhold from a hidden camera, punctuated by insults, fart noises, and rare cookie reviews. She'd also be caught frequently waving her naked booty at Vivienne, who would then pause to gaze expressionlessly, pose in her usual statuesque way for the camera, roll her eyes, and stroll off. 

Sera would eventually evolve her channel into a sort of "Skyhold Punk'd" channel that will get an insane number of clicks.

Josephine
Josephine would follow all social media adeptly, courteously and seamlessly. She would also co-host a podcast on Investing in Thedas.

I also headcanon that Josie would have a lot of bookmarks about dolls. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot of dolls.

After discovering The Iron Bull en flagrante with a romanced Inquisitor, Josie also visits a few additional websites, surfing incognito. The websites are hot, sexy, and feature the frequent use of 'watchwords.'

Leliana
Leliana would tweet about shoes as NugMommy101. I think she might also blog incognito about her adventures as a bard. Everyone would read them. Sex, violence, intrigue. They would cause two huge scandals in Orlais when some of the hidden participants were suspected. 

Sometimes Josephine edits Leliana's blog posts to make sure there are no telltale nug or shoe references that would give her away.

Blackwall
Blackwall wouldn't be a huge user of social media, I think, although he'd follow all the Grey Warden Facebook and Twitter accounts religiously. I also think he'd have Google Alerts set up on Thomas Rainier, Lord Vincent Callier, Ser Robert Chapuis, and on Warden Blackwall as well.

He'd also be a casual fan of Bull's videos on shield blocking and bashes, as well as of Cullen's My Favorite Mabari channel. Eventually, encouraged by Cole, he would launch a blog on woodworking.

Vivienne
Vivienne would have an Instagram that had a dash of GOOP to it, and she would only post once a week, exquisite items that had no real bearing on life. She would NOT have a YouTube channel of any kind, and when questioned on this, would laugh politely and say, "My dear... you can't be serious. Me, with one of those horrid... video things? No, thank you." But nevertheless, Viv would always manage to be around Skyhold for other video tapings.

I do think Madame de Fer would be a pretty frequent Twitter user, and she would be both popular and widely hated in equal measure for her views on mages and the Circles. She would be followed by all the top aristocrats and leaders in Thedas.

Scout Harding
Scout Harding would have a widely followed Instagram channel featuring her candid shots of the best trails in Thedas, as well as a helpful field guide to herbs. 

Sometimes her trail pictures include cautious, faraway pictures of dragons that are also just a little bit yearning.

Dagna
Dagna takes active part in a variety of websites and social media discussions on arcana. She also has a funny, charming blog in which she writes about her theories and inventions in a run-on, breezy, stream-of-consciousness fashion. Sometimes, she forgets to break up the paragraphs so the posts are simply long, chirpy, rambling walls of text.

Since she is sweet and generous, Dagna will sometimes try to get Harritt to chime in on her blog posts, and when he doesn't, she instead begins to quote him affectionately on his reactions to her inventions:

Just finished this fantastic new shield device that protects with vibration, much like the Fade, and Harritt touched it and then made a face because he said it made his teeth taste funny.

The header for Dagna's website, blog and social media pages features a scribbled figure of Dagna with rosy cheeks and a big smile, and with beams of magic and sunlight radiating off her small figure. Dancing around her is a swarm of friendly bees with heart-eyes.

The Inquisitor
My Inquisitor, meanwhile, simply vagueposts on Facebook when things get stressful, likes every single post by her companions and advisors, drinks too much at the Herald's Rest, deletes the vagueposts, then plays a hell of a lot of Candy Crush.

Skyhold Hallway Gossips
They have a Facebook page called Whispers at Skyhold (also a Twitter channel) that faithfully covers the romantic entanglements at Skyhold (both real and imagined) in the most florid language possible. 

The blog is a huge hit with everyone, except Cassandra, who publicly loathes it but who secretly loves it, and she'd honestly give her left breastplate to find out who's writing it. 

Jim
Jim publicly manages Cullen's Facebook page and official Twitter account, but he is constantly haunted by the secret of his feelings for the Commander, so he deletes as many tweets and posts as he actually sends.

Sometimes, late at night, Jim also writes hot, steamy and popular fiction about a handsome Commander who realizes that he is passionately in love with his loyal lieutenant "James:"

Their eyes met from across the warm confines of the office, and even in the glow of the firelight, James could see the passion in his Commander's handsome face. In one swift move, Cullen crossed to James, locking him in a tight and hungry embrace as he spoke one word that was half-moan, half-confession... "James..."

... and Jim hastily shoves the papers away as Cullen walks back in. But never fear, he posts his chapters (187 and counting) to Archive of Our Own, where it has received over 25,000 hits (many of them reputedly from the Orlesian court).

The Nug King
The Nug King would have a Twitter account with millions of followers, and would himself follow zero other accounts. The account would tweet out brief, cryptic pronouncements at various times, such as:

judging u
squeaks deferentially
its gud to be the king

Cole
I think that Cole would have Twitter, which he would enjoy for its constant existence in the present tense, as well as for its limitation of tweets to short bursts of thought and emotion. 

Intrigued by this new art form, Cole would eventually just tweet weird random things and feelings and impressions:

A fennec is a fox with a secret cat inside.
My teeth feel lonely today.
They tried to give me a mattress. So many feathers! The birds are sad.
Tony Stark's secret is that he is iron on the inside too.

It would be the most popular Twitter channel in Thedas, with millions of followers. Vivienne sometimes cries tears of rage because he has so many more followers than she does.

Sometimes, rarely, Cole will tweet to Solas, as if continuing a conversation he is confident is still taking place.

If she was in a romance with Solas, Lavellan will silently "like" each one of these tweets... and never, ever mention them.

Of Lore Traps and Stewed Nugs (May Update on Posts & Lore in Progress...)

COLE: We share the ancient mysteries, the feelings lost, forgotten dreams, unseen for ages, now beheld in wonder.

Hello, all you beautiful readers!

Thank you so much for your patience, those of you who follow and read my blog and social media posts. I'm so grateful, and first off, I want to send a thank-you to those of you who read my stuff, as well as those who may still be new to following me or my blog—thank you for reading!

However, as it's obvious that I've been a little slower than usual this past month or two, I wanted to share my situation... 

In a nutshell? The lore keeps tripping me up. In the best way. 

I fall into it, basically.

For instance, I have some exciting lore explorations in progress that I truly think are going to be really fun and worth the research, but the problem is... I've kept falling into those freaking lore traps. Each new fun question or exploration recently has led to a new issue for me to explore first, and each one of those turned out to be a doozy. 

And that's a good thing, not a bad thing, but it is frustrating and inconvenient. I'm used to spending a few weeks per post, but the latest have involved weeks of careful diagrams, notes, playthrough footage review, and more.

It slows me down. After all, I can't explore the tip of the pyramid if I don't explore the foundation, right?

So here we are.

The Innocent Hell of Wondering Where People Sleep

Here's a great example...

I had this fun idea to explore, see, based on some discussions I saw a long time ago, on "Where They Sleep," both at Haven and Skyhold, in Inquisition. This was such a fun, charming idea! What could be wrong with me exploring where all our favorite companions and advisors lay their heads, right? So I started research. 

And please note, this was NOT an original idea, and I will be crediting the original posters on the inspiration (and linking to them) as best I can, as always.

But, see, then I realized that nothing I posted would make sense without context. I could post where Cullen sleeps at Haven, or Skyhold, but then I might as well really do it right, also hypothesizing where Bull slept, or Cass. And what about Dorian? Does he actually sleep in the library at Skyhold? Come on! Of course he doesn't. Dorian would demand only the best. 

Diving into the Lore

And so, I began to ask questions. I was intrigued and frustrated. As my research progressed, I soon realized that it would not be a simple "fun" post after all (none of them). Because, with Dragon Age, lore rules over all. 

And so I became aware of a mountain of work ahead of me if I wanted to complete that exploration.

In other words... 

• I needed to completely map Skyhold
• I needed to do so from dungeon/basement to floors 1, 2, and 3 (and walk all battlements, noting all tent areas, towers, abandoned spaces, etc.)
• I needed to note all sleeping areas and workrooms
• I needed to, well, note everything

And then I did this, as best I could, and I was really happy with it, even if I kept moving Cole and Sera in a completely paranoid fashion, first by floors then by which side of the Herald's Rest they were on (sorry!). I mean, it was bad. I think I moved them six times. Sorry. I just kept second-guessing myself!

Also, I have no sense of direction. Which means that the idea of ME making a map of any kind is HILARIOUS. I mean, seriously. If someone had given me a spool of thread (like Varric did Merrill) I'd still be using it to get around this world. I sometimes get lost on my own block and have to look downhill to make sure I'm heading back home.

Yes, it's embarrassing. But it was a fun challenge, and the best part was... I would finally know my way around Skyhold instead of my usual approach of opening doors and feeling pleased when the rooms beyond were the ones I'd wanted to get to.

Mapping Skyhold

So it actually happened—I mapped Skyhold (wine cellar and all) and it felt terrific, like something tangible. (Of course, in updating the map for the sixth time while writing this, the entire post became corrupted, disappeared, and I had to rebuild it from scratch. It's been that kind of week.)

Regardless, then I (FINALLY!) moved forward with "Where They Sleep." 

Only to realize, yet again, for context, that I really might as well go ahead and completely map Haven. 

Again, as with Skyhold, emphasis on "Completely." Sigh.

But come on. If I'm gonna do this, why not do it right? If I'm gonna tell you where Cullen's tent is, why don't I tell you where EVERYTHING is?

I am a Terrible Blogger

So that's the scoop.

And... yeah. So now I've been working on completely mapping Haven, and where to find everyone, and where they sleep, and just... well, everything. And here we are. I'm finishing my Haven map, and I think it will be a real resource (as I hope will the Skyhold one) in perpetuity, for fans who may need the extra help.

Like all lore stuff, though, it's just proven to be more work than expected.

And I appreciate your patience. See, here's the thing: I love talking about what Solas wants or what Cole dreams or what Bull hides or what Anders survives, but I also want to make sure I'm offering more than just frilly word-cakes here. 

I want to provide insights you guys can actually use to play and enhance your gameplay and enjoyment of Dragon Age across the trilogy. I really want to balance that stuff with the lore, so that, yes, you can learn about Solas or Cole or Varric or Anders here, but I also want you to be able to reference questions you might have, about where people sleep or about where everything is at Skyhold, or what Solas's frescoes mean, or what was happening in that chess match, or whether Sera hides secrets of her own, and more.

And don't even get me started on the months of research and analysis I've spent on all the character Tarot card symbolism character by character, or on dissecting the Chant of Light. Or on the Evanuris, the Fade, the nature of the Titans, etc. I've attempted some rudimentary examinations, but there is always so much more to learn! So those are posts in progress right now, as well as character analyses of Varric, Dorian, Scout Harding, and of Solas and Bull's loyalty quests.

I also have some fun, short silly exercises I'll be sharing shortly as well, to break up all the heavier lore stuff. (So be afraid, be very afraid...)

Coming Soon...

So apologies, and thanks for bearing with me! I hate being silent, and appreciate your patience more than I can say.

If it helps, I also have some big book-length Dumped, Drunk & Dalish projects in the works for publication, and am going to be insanely excited to be able to share those next steps with you in the weeks to come. There have just been some legalities for me to solidify first, so that I've made sure that whatever I create (nonfiction analyses and critiques like those you see here, no fiction elements) is okay with BioWare and legal to publish.

Meanwhile, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me. And a special thank-you to those who support me on Patreon and Ko-Fi! I so appreciate you, and I hope you'll find the additional upcoming content worth the wait.

Ma serannas, lethallen! 

The All-Time Most Romantic Dragon Age Moments

Oh, Cullen. Your love for the Inky is sweet, hesitant, and a reminder of how much our Dragon Age characters can evolve across one of gaming's best trilogies.

Varric: Look, Seeker, if you love a character, you give them pain, ruin their lives, make them suffer. Maybe even throw in a heroic death.
Cassandra: That makes no sense!
Varric: You care enough to argue. If she had a nice afternoon and took a nap, you'd stop reading.

Happy (Late) Valentine's Day!

So, I wanted to post this a few days ago. And of course, life and work intervened. But still... better late than never, right? Hawke would forgive me instantly. The Warden would roll her eyes. And the Inquisitor would look at her watch.

Or so I headcanon. But onward...

The lovely thing about pixels is, they never let you down. If we love them, they love us. And because we are all fabulous Dragon Age fans here, let's face it, no matter who we are, we've all had a perfect romantic moment with the companions we love.

So instead of a ranking of romances, which I just feel wouldn't be productive and wonderful, I'd rather provide a rundown of my personal favorite sexiest, most romantic and most poignant moments across Dragon Age, for all companions.

Here goes!

Dragon Age: Origins

A rose by any other name just wouldn't be the rose given by Alistair to his adored Warden. It almost makes a Blighted world worth navigating...

Alistair
Alistair is a lovely Prince Charming, especially when he begins to face the Blight-ridden world he's supposed to save, and grows up. He's sweet, brave, and bashful, and his declaration of love for the Warden, giving her a rose in a world of darkness, really moved me the first time, and always will. It's one of my favorite-ever romance moments in Dragon Age: He's young and vulnerable but he's not wrong to use this one moment in a time of tragedy and torment to declare his feelings. It's just lovely (and beautifully acted by Steve Valentine).

For me it's Alistair's most beautiful, literate and genuinely poetic moment: 

Here. Look at this. Do you know what this is?

I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, 'How could something so beautiful  exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness? I probably should have left it alone but I couldn't. The Darkspawn would come and their Taint would just destroy it. So I've had it ever since. I thought that I might... give it to you, actually. In a lot of ways, I think the same thing when I look at you.

(Warden replies among several options)

I'm glad you like it. I was just thinking... here I am, doing all this complaining, and you haen't exactly been having a good time of it, yourself. You've had none of the good experience of being a Grey Warden since your Joining, not a word of thanks or congratulations. It's all been death, and fighting, and tragedy. 

I thought maybe I could say something. Tell you what a rare, and wonderful thing you are to find amidst all this... darkness.

Morrigan has literally been raised to distrust closeness, kindness, and generosity. Her romance therefore reveals a vulnerability and sweetness that is doubly charming.

Morrigan
For a scary swamp witch who can turn into a spider at will, Morrigan is surprisingly lovable. I adore her. I know she's controversial but to me she's a peanut-butter-tart with a soft and creamy center.

Wait. That sounded more sexual than I meant it. Although yes, I wanted to romance her with my female Warden and am still not okay that I couldn't.

Morrigan's romance, however, is genuinely lovely—she's tentative on emotion, forceful on passion, as you might suspect, and yet... the emotion is always there. It means something to her. Her acknowledgement of the Warden's feelings is moving because we know it's one of the only times she's ever done so in her life. Ever.

She seems like one of the sweetest characters in Dragon Age, but Leliana has a core of stone and steel to see her through the greatest crises of world or heart. And yet, no one is braver or more faithful.

Leliana
Oh, Leliana, Leliana, where do I start.

Romancing Leliana in DAO is like admiring the grace of a beta fish and not knowing it was a shapeshifter fish. It was not swirly and cute and pretty and inoffensive. It was a swordfish. Ha. But the joke's on you. It wasn't a swordfish, either: It was a shark all along. A beautiful GORGEOUS awesome, smart, subtle shark, but... yeah.

But that shark still has the soft little feathery feelings of the beta fish. As it should.

The best part is that she is unshakably faithful: If she romanced the Warden in DAI and Trespasser, she's still present, faithful, and loving there. It's the best thing ever.

Leliana: "Here, with you, knowing the freedom of the road and the uncertainty of tomorrow, I feel alive again." And a bit later... "It comforts me to know that the stars will remain untouched by the Blight. That whatever happens down here, they will shine eternally, their light undimmed."

Leliana is a combination of sweetness, softness, and steel. Leliana is amazing.

He's the rogue with the tongue of velvet and the heart of silk. Zevran is well worth romancing, and he's one of the funniest and most moving characters across the trilogy.

Zevran
I love Zev. Because his romance isn't "Yay! We're in love! Let's have sex!" and more, "Yay! We've had sex! Now we navigate the minefield of... feelings?!"

Ahem. But you get it. 

Like Bull, Zevran makes sex simple and only the emotions that follow anything complex or challenging. For him, they are a series of puzzles, a cipher. A product of incredible abuse thanks to an upbringing among brothels and assassins (wait, who does this remind you of?), poor Zev came through with his joy and sensuality intact. After a recent devastating loss of both life and faith, he has decided to kill himself, and it's only the Warden's mercy that spares him (or not).

And so there we are, with a wonderful character who thinks nothing of sex and who guards his own secrets like gold. Beautifully and humorously voiced by the talented Jon Curry, Zev is a character to adore or to kill and discard as too dangerous to live. Me, I've never ever been able to kill him or send him away.

And it's fitting for such a textured, rich character that one of his most devastating moments is when he's absolutely stone-cold serious and his heart is breaking:

"By your side I would willingly storm the gates of the Dark City itself."

Dragon Age II

Merrill cannot find her way around her own alienage even after years of residence, but she knows her own heart, and she's wiser than she seems.

Merrill
Secrets of Dragon Age blogging: Look. I love Merrill. I love her like I love relatives. Pets. Because (cringeworthy admission): She is the most like me. Of any DA character, she's who I understand, who I love, who I know. I have to respect and adore someone who can understand and parse complex magic and metaphysics while also finding herself lost in a simple neighborhood setting. BINGO. I get this.

And I think she's vastly underestimated. She's a goofball but she's also wise, and brave, and clear-eyed. (I'm not saying I am any of those things: But she is undoubtedly smart and yet in life, she is often... not. And I identify with that.)

But here's my favorite example of her feelings for a romanced Hawke, because they show that little thread of metal at her core, and as always it's a gorgeously voiced scene by Merrill's voice actor Eve Myles. Merrill is darling, but she does not mess around:

Aveline: I didn't expect you to stick around for this mess Merrill. This has nothing to do with your elves.
Merrill: I love Hawke, I wouldn't go anywhere.
Aveline: But it's not your fight.
Merrill: I love Hawke.
Aveline: You said that.
Merrill: I say it a lot. It makes things clearer, takes away doubt when everything is crazy and people are dying.
Aveline: I understand.
Merrill: Oh, good. Someone should.

That's Merrill for you. Funny when you expect her to break your heart. And heartbreaking just when you expect her to make you laugh.

Sexy, confident and complex, Isabela's suffered much. And she's softer at heart than she seems.

Isabela
I loved Isabela's romance. It's surprising, funny, sexy, and warm. It's also complex and it often zigs just when we think it will zag.

Isabela isn't always an easy character to love. She's tough, tenacious, pragmatic, and a pretty challenging, frightening life that included enslavement, rape, forced marriage, servitude, and imprisonment has taught her to be all right with cold, even callous choices. (Evidenced by her behavior over the Tome of Koslun throughout Dragon Age II.)

But there's more to Isabela, and she often shows us real charm and sweetness beneath the tough swaggering sailor-captain. She puts up with Aveline's constant yelps of "Whore!" and still sees beneath the warrior's puritanical knee-jerk reactions to the slightly scared, socially uncomfortable woman beneath.

As Izzy's terrific voice actor, Victoria Kruger's voice is rich and gorgeous, and it provides Isabela with something that externalizes who she is at her core—her generosity and warmth. As when she looks out for Merrill and calls her "Kitten." There's something to Isabela that's fine and pure, when she allows herself to be vulnerable.

My favorite moment for Isabela's romance is the very first one, when she shows up at Hawke's door for a little quality time. Since I was playing this with my FemHawke, I had no idea Izzy was, er, propositioning my girl for a little sex, and I was stupid enough to go, "Sure! Let's have girly time!" I was picturing more mani-pedis, but was also sort of delighted, nevertheless, that she was proposing something entirely different. My Hawke's reaction: Well, all righty, then! (Mani-pedis are, after all, overrated.)

Needless to say, the next scene, of Izabela and my Hawke happily making out while tossing off a dozen daggers apiece, remains one of the funniest, sexiest scenes in Dragon Age for me. I've seen it with a male Hawke too, but somehow it's better and funnier with the two women. Maybe because it's just so empowered, so strong, and so freaking funny.

I know many, many fans will disagree with me, but for me, Anders deserves every tiny little moment of happiness he can get. And somebody still needs to go find Ser Pouncealot. (Talk to the hand.)

Anders
Oh, Anders. The angst! The drama! The italicized proclamations!

Here's the deal: I love Anders. I know he's over the top. But I know how much he's been through. I know what he's suffered. I know he's spent his entire life running from people trying to isolate and control him.

So the fact that he's able to still feel so much in Dragon Age II, to be so passionate, is kind of a miracle to me. Let's not forget that our earliest outing for him literally involves our mercy-killing the first person he ever loved romantically.

So I love Anders's romance, with all its dramatic proclamations, doomed portents, and breathless kisses. His romance is one of my favorites across Dragon Age, and always will be.

I know people favor the dramatic "drown us in blood" quote, but the one that always gets me with Anders is quieter, and it broke my heart into little slivers:

"No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love... This is the rule I will most cherish breaking."

This. This is everything that's wrong with the mage/templar system. And it's doubly tragic given Anders's choices in this story path. But it will always move me.

Hey, if they took away his damn cat (don't get me started on Ser Pouncealot's fate!), the least Anders deserves is a night with the person he loves.

Abused, enslaved, and traumatized, the beautiful Fenris is a terrifying warrior who's able to reach right in and grab your heart. Both literally and metaphorically.

Fenris
"That night... I remember your touch as if it were yesterday. I should have asked your forgiveness long ago. I hope you can forgive me now."

Oh, Fenris. Such a tease.

I mean, I understand. And I know he has good reason—and isn't even always aware of how or why. As with Solas, he's close then not-close; near then far—not because he's consciously being a jerk, but because of the incredible trauma he's navigating.

And nobody has more trauma than poor Fenris, who has endured impossible sufferings in captivity, enslavement, rape, and further trauma, and all of it has—tragically and predictably—left him with a wellspring of real damage, sadness, hatred, vengeance, and suspicion.

He shares a night with Hawke, but he's then instantly conflicted as hidden memories surface, and he's undone by the vulnerability of real love and sex. While poor Hawke is devastated, Fenris's return is lovely and truly romantic:

"Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you," he says. He goes on to say, poignantly, "If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side."

Sigh.

Dragon Age: Inquisition

Cassandra is a strong woman and superb warrior, but she's just as susceptible as any of us to a sweet moment of poetry. And that's a very, very good thing.

Cassandra
In a grove just outside of Skyhold, the Inquisitor calls to Cass with a line of lit candles through the trees, with poetry to bring her into the space.

He declaims the poem, "Carmenum di Amatus" and she teases him about it then quotes from it on her own lips:

His lips on mine speak words not voiced, a prayer.
Which travels down my spine like flames that shatter night.
His eyes reflect the heaven's stars, the Maker's light
My body opens, filled and blessed, my spirit there.

And the moment when the Inquisitor circles around behind Cass to join in on the poetic moment she finishes those final lines, his breath on her neck, her face inches from his. It's just so lovely and delicate, and everything our romance-loving Cass could wish.

"Not merely housed in flesh," he says. "But brought to life."

It's pretty sexy. It's even better that Cassandra's romance-loving heart of course adores every single minute.

What happens when sex turns to something more? Iron Bull's romance explores this conundrum with humor, edge and charm (and a surprising amount of poignance).

Iron Bull

It's a challenge to pick a romantic moment from the guy who shows NO RESPONSE AT ALL when we flirt with him, hopelessly, over and over and over again. Who views sex as a purely physical thing, a release and then boom, done.

Until he begins to think there might be more.

That's a relationship with the Iron Bull. For me, despite many romantic moments with our challenging and edgy Hissrad across the relationship, the one moment that stays with me as the loveliest and heart-meltiest, is during the postcoital "watchword" discussion scene. 

And here, for me, the final wonderfulness is a tie, when we can either tell Bull we love him (and Bull, acted beautifully by Freddie Prinze Jr., responds poignantly with a soft, "I love you too," or we can tell him we fear the outcome and that we may not make it through, and for the first and only time, Bull breaks down. 

He actually breaks, and responds softly, with "Katoh. I can't..." And that's the moment, you guys. It absolutely kills me. Kudos to Patrick, Freddie, and BioWare because I cry every single time I've seen it.

NOTE: And of course, I'm talking Tal-Vashoth Bull for maximum romance. Because, do not even start me on the alternative. Nope. We're not going there. KREM LIVES, you bastards!

Cullen's romance is sweet and unexpectedly moving, but it's his faith that adds a dash of pathos and real emotion.

Cullen
DAI's pensive Templar is one of my favorite characters across the trilogy, not least because he has a complex path through youth and into redemption and self-acceptance.

When I first played DAI, I remember assuming Cullen was mid- to late-thirties, just one of those ridiculous men who become more and more handsome as time passes. Except when fleeing our Warden's flirtations in DAO, he always seems like a guy who knows who he is, and who is certain of his own feelings.

But y'all. The reality is so much sadder.

The reality is actually more tragic to me—Cullen's a teenager in DAO, and in DA II he's just a traumatized guy in his twenties who really needed a vacation but who was instead sent to the worst possible place in the world for his next assignment: Kirkwall, where every bad opinion of mages he'd formed was confirmed. Where every corner contained a magical conspiracy.

Although barely 30, the Cullen of DAI knows better. He has finally realized how wrong he was, how corruptible even the best people are, and he has gone from confidence in his own infallibility to fear of causing harm for anyone under his watch: Mage, Templar, elf, qunari, human, dwarf, or otherwise.

Which is why, for me, Cullen's romance is sweet, hesitant, and sensitive. It's sexy but also realistic; there's the sense of real people dancing hesitantly toward each other here. He's someone old before his time; he's tired, self-doubting, and disillusioned. So the romance brings him back to himself in some lovely ways, while also reminding him of the importance of abandoning former hypocrisies and bigotries when it comes to mages or other races.

The most moving scene in Cullen's romance for me is the final one, when he desperately embraces a romanced Inquisitor in the chapel, both certain of his faith and fearful of her future.

Josie wants love, but she gives us the sense that she's not exactly seeking it out or expecting it. She's not chasing the physical, and is a fantastic ace option for Dragon Age: Inquisition protagonists.

Josephine
If you want an innocent romance, especially one with lovely, gently ace overtones, Josie's is the perfect choice for you, and it's a wonderful example of how different Josephine can be in her own quiet way.

As our resident Disney Princess, Josie seems like a typical privileged player of the Great Game, but she's so much more. She's quieter and gentler than Leliana, and still haunted by the one death that ever resulted at her own hands.

Josie wants love, but she gives us the sense that she's not exactly seeking it out or expecting it. She's not a physically outgoing person or after sensual pleasures. She's surprised and hesitant when flirted with, and disarmingly lovely simply for a few fairytale-worthy time-outs with the Inquisitor.

The culimination of Josie's romance is a dashing duel for her heart with the arranged suitor who will steal her hand in marriage, and my favorite moment of the entire situation is when Josie storms in, in a fit of temper, and tells everyone to calm down and control themselves. When the Inquisitor declares love, Josie is surprised and outright disbelieving:

Josephine: Why risk everything we've built? Why risk your life?
Inquisitor: Because I love you!
Josephine: You... you do?
Rival (best moment ever): He does?!
Inquisitor: I do.

And then the delighted kiss at the end, complete with leg-pop. It's the best possible fairytale ending you could ask for.

Blackwall believes he is doomed and does not deserve love. Of course, this makes him irresistible. 

Blackwall
I always love the characters who are so starved for love, for acknowledgement and redemption, and Blackwall's romance is deliciously angst-ridden, and oddly sweet. At every turn, he's blatant in his adoration of the Inquisitor and that he doesn't deserve her love. 

Blackwall's the romantic Knight-Errant ideal personified, the man with the tragic past who feels he cannot deserve his maiden, who cannot face his past actions. It makes his yearning for Josie sweet and sad, and his feelings for a romanced Inquisitor really quietly lovely.

So for me, my favorite romantic scene for him isn't the love scene (DUDES, he left me in a HAYLOFT. NAKED. NOPE.). It's when (earlier) he shyly shows up to the Inquisitor's quarters, and can't help but declare his feelings, and the kiss there. And of course he tells her she shouldn't love him, he shouldn't be there, and shouldn't kiss her.

That moment made me actively root for him and his redemption. And of course also made me love him more. Basically, every single time a pixellated character says, "Don't love me," I JUST LOVE THEM MORE.

It's human nature. And BioWare knows us all too well.

Dorian would run across vistas into his own arms to romance himself. Wouldn't we all?

Dorian
Okay, I'm biased here, because I love the "surprise kiss" more than life itself as a trope, and I am loud and proud, right here, with it. 

And Dorian's soft, surprising kiss to a romanced male Inquisitor, shortly after the revelations about his family and struggles, is so personal, so sweet and intimate and surprising, that I'm... y'all... it's just gorgeous. It's soft and sexy and prolonged just the right amount. 

The scene is also genuinely emotional, following Dorian's soft, sad account of his relationship with his father. The moment begins with him at the window at Skyhold, light falling on his impeccable profile, the Tevinter haircut more distinct here than anywhere else -- the shaved high sideburns, the dark curls of hair above. It's almost priestly in appearance.

And then he tells us about his father's shame over his choices. And then the poor guy has to immediately face Mother Giselle's innuendos about his relationship with the Inquisitor. Which, thank goodness, we can either allay or confirm (in all the best ways).

Inquisitor: Do you always answer a question with a question?
Dorian: Would you like me to answer in some other fashion?
Inquisitor: If you're capable.

Dorian rushes in, and... sigh. SHOOT ME, I'm not made of stone, people.

Sera's romance is sexy, exuberant, funny, combative and charming. Just don't go too 'elfy' and you'll be fine.

Sera
My poor darling Sera gets a bad rap. She's called out all the time for being rude, biased, or mean, and to me she's just tough and traumatized and trying to protect her little sweet taffy-soft heart.

Sera's romance is tough if you're an elfy-elf, and those are often what I've tended to play. But once you get past her flinty and protective exterior, she's soft and sweet and just as adorable as you might expect. 

Sera's romance is exuberant, funny, combative and charming. She knows her own mind, she loves women, she's decisive and fierce, and it's best if you're an Adaar and worst if you're a mage-friendly elfy-elf (please don't do it, just don't). 

Yes, she's intimidating (surprisingly so). But I love how smooth she is—for me, she's right up there with Solas as one of the smoothest companions when it comes to flirts. She openly calls our female Inky as pretty and shows only amusement at early flirtation attempts. 

Sera has a big moment mid-romance that's one of my favorite speeches across the trilogy. It's just so characteristic and real:

You don't act like nobles. I love that.
You don't hide. I love that.
(Varied) You don't like cookies. Convenient. Love that.
(Adaar) And just... look at you. Just... love that.
But seeing this really hurts. I'm fighting to make things better and learn truth and shit, and it just keeps getting scarier.

And when she called my Adaar "honey-tongue," um, it's really, really sexy. And I love her love scenes and how playful they are.

Solas's romance is high romance in the grandest Shakespearan tradition, where the best matches yearn hopelessly from afar, where sex occurs only rarely or just before death, and where outcomes usually end with "and with a kiss, I die." And I wouldn't have it any other way. Even as I tremble at the prospect of DA4 and what it will do to my poor heart.

Solas
Oh, he loves us. Yet he hides a terrible, tragic secret. Has there been any formula more deadly or more irresistible since time immemorial?

No. Nope. No, there hasn't. Just ask the thousands of happily weeping Solasmancers out there.

Solas's romance is high romance in the grandest Shakespearan tradition, where the best matches yearn hopelessly from afar, where sex occurs only rarely or just before death, and where outcomes usually end with "and with a kiss, I die."

I know it will shock blog readers (I KNOW!) but I love almost all of Solas's scenes, especially the romantic ones, but for me the biggest romantic zinger will always be the Fade Kiss.

I love all the other Solas Kisses (and it's a high bar, because, people, as a fictional character, it is highly apparent that the dude knows how to kiss), but there's something new and surprised there that always still gets me every time. I love all the others (I DO), but there, he's settled into the lie, he knows how to live there, sort of—but the Fade Kiss is the one discombobulated moment where Solas is literally going "HOLY CRAP, OKAY FINE, KISS ME YOU GORGEOUS THING."

So I do. And that's my favorite moment. Not just the kiss—but the kiss when he dives back in and goes for it.

We should all want that, right? The lover for whom one kiss is not enough. Solas may fight against this very thing, but let's face it... he doesn't fight that fricking hard, right? Not at first at least. Not for many many months. Until the endgame (and goodbye) looms and he faces the hardest choice of all.

But that's fantasy.

As far as reality, I'll wish you Fade romances, today and every day. Whether real or pixellated, I hope you romance a mage, a warrior, a rogue, a misfit, a lover, and get the love you deserve. And all the best kisses and cookies in the world.

And my work here is done. 

Happy Valentine's Day and beyond, you beautiful creatures! Thank you as always for reading!