Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Dragon Age Answers to the Batman Question... (NSFW)

Warning: NSFW implications and scenarios galore.

So you know that Batman bedroom scenario that had Twitter spontaneously combusting the other day? You know the one. About whether or not the Dark Knight would take a tour, ahem, downtown on a night with Catwoman. Otherwise known as The Greatest Conversation in the History of Twitter?

I thought it would be naughty fun to address this via Dragon Age characters, so see my takes below. I saw this discussed in a few places casually on Twitter, but want to shout out to Squonk, who posted a conversation that inspired me to do my own take on this. 

Note: Depending on their sexual orientation, let's just say that we're asking whether the character would take that tour with a partner of their appropriate gender.

Another Note: I forgot a few people! Bethany! Krem! A few others! So I've added them. Along with a few stupid comments that I forgot originally, so I hope they're good for a laugh. Many thanks to readers Rob and Kirsty for the reminder!

I'm probably gonna be sheepish I wrote this, but it was fun, and we all need a little fun in the world right now. So, onward!

The Warden
The world's ending any minute now, I feel safe in saying they absolutely would.

Alistair
Would have to be talked through it, probably also with diagrams, but sure. He would blush afterward and also send flowers.

Leliana
She's a bard who loves women, and who is highly skilled in the arts of the bedroom. What do you think? Those smallclothes would be off faster than you can say... smallclothes.

Morrigan
Definitely would, but I'm kind of thinking she'd be one of those "I gave you five minutes, now give me an hour" kinds of foreplay types. 

Sten
Hell, yes. He's Qunari—while they're repressive and disturbing as a whole, they do seem to be a culture that is very sex-positive even if aromantic, and during his time as a Companion he's totally doing the Qunari equivalent of visiting Europe, anyway. Don't @ me.

Oghren
I think he'd be willing, but the question is—would he stay conscious long enough? I just don't see that happening. Nope.

Wynne
Not... yet? I think she'd be willing, but I think she's had lousy luck so far (it's why I ship her with Zevran after he flirts with her in Origins, since he would absolutely rock her world). Let's be real—her previous sexual escapades were probably all hasty stolen moments in various dusty dark corners of the mage tower. And they never lasted more than four minutes at a time. (And now I'm depressed.)

Zevran
He finds the question hilarious, and has over two dozen favorite approaches and techniques, some of which both begin and end with an erotic massage. And yes, it would be ridiculously awesome.

Shale
"What a bizarre and useless question about those stupid, soft and fleshy beings."

Loghain Mac Tir
Nuh-uh. I don't think so. Look at all that tension. This is not the face of a man who's ever had a really happy sexual experience. Or given one.

Urthemiel
"Nobody ever asks what I need. Nobody ever asks if I'm a caring, gentle and considerate lover. Nope. It's all, 'Whine, whine, whine! Why'd you have to bring the Darkspawn? Blight, Blight, Blight!' and I'm sick of it."

Anders
Yep. You'd have pretty great sex, he'd be generous and satisfying, and then you'd look out your window and his moving van would already be parked right there at the curb. Still, there are worse trade-offs. I'm just saying.

Justice
"Are you being humorous? No. This question is immaterial and a waste of time."

Nathaniel Howe
I'm kind of seeing Nat as the sexual equivalent of a middle-of-the-road steak dinner. Like, nothing super-creative there, but the arrow would find its target. (Oh, that was really bad. Really, really, really bad.)

Sigrun
She'd be funny and caring, one of those "rogue in the streets, stole your sheets" types.

Velanna
Yes, but it would be tense, passive-aggressive, and slightly perfunctory. And she wouldn't call you afterward.

Teagan Guerrin
No. Just look at what happens to that man from Origins to "Trespasser." That is the face of a profoundly disappointed person right there. Nope. Never a single fun night in his entire life. What a waste of Hot Young Teagan! I blame Isolde.

Duncan
Yeah, I'm thinking a definite yes on that one. Duncan was a bit of a rascal in his early years, so this is not a guy afraid of a trip to the Deep Roads, is what I'm saying.

Hawke
All three colors are a resounding yes no matter what. Blue Hawke spoons after, Red Hawke doesn't. If it's Purple Hawke, there would be brief spoonage and then probably something humorous like farts or hiccups.

Cullen
Based on his adorable uptightness and his panic during even basic flirtation scenarios, I'm gonna go with a soft no on this one. I'm not saying he wouldn't eventually get there, but he'd definitely need to meet the right woman (thousands immediately raise their hands to volunteer). He's spent a lot of his life focusing on work and guilt, so to me his romance in Inquisition just makes me think there's not a ton of reach and flexibility in that corner of his life as yet.

Flemeth
If you could get past the subtly terrifying "I'll probably kill you when I'm done" aspect of Flemeth's sex life, she was probably a total blast as well as wickedly creative in her day when it came to romantic shenanigans. Absolutely yes.

Isabela
"Oooh, aren't you funny, you!" (Cheerfully and promptly demonstrates superior technique on the person asking the question. Bonus points if it's Catwoman.)

Varric
Of course he does, he's got a great imagination and is actually famous for writing blushworthy fictional romantic torrid scenarios.  And I'm sure he's had his share of opportunities, trysts, and admirers. 

And yet, in Varric's ongoing day to day life? It's a bit tragic, as his primary experience seems to have been with Bianca, and that is just really a waste of all that dwarfly sexiness. My question is, does he practice on the person, or the crossbow? Or... both?

Aveline
See also Cullen. That's a no. 

Cassandra
Absolute yes. Classic example of  someone who doth protest too much. Nobody reads that much Swords & Shields who isn't gonna be secretly delightful in the kip.

Fenris
Yes, and it would be very intense and dramatic. He'd probably get glowy at certain moments.

Merrill
"Did I miss something dirty?" My favorite thing about Merrill is that she is a paradox—an innocent who is completely free of sexual hangups, very much like the character of Jester in Critical Role, Campaign 2. In all seriousness, I always kind of ship her with Isabela, so yes. 

The Arishok
Absolutely would, and I'm not gonna say anything else because, anyway... yeah. (I'll... be in my bunk.)

Sebastian
Oh, no no no, my Andrastian ears and whiskers, no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not ever. Or at least—not after his vows! Before is another matter entirely.

Tallis
Tallis would combine the Qun's no-nonsense sexual wisdom and technique with a sweet, funny, sparkly running dialogue that would either be annoying or adorable, or probably both.

Carver
Would be willing, but he'd also be the type to get someone interested down at The Hanged Man and then he'd complain and complain and complain for so long that they'd get that fixed expression on their face, escape when he paused for breath, and Carver'd never realize he just lost the chance to hook up. Poor grumpy bro.

Bethany 
Hmmm... she's very proper and sweet. But she's also incredibly empathetic and wants people around her to feel joy, so hey, this would be one way for her to do that. I'm just sayin'. So Bethany's a yes.

Meredith
I'm gonna say no. And all of Kirkwall will pay just because she couldn't find a healthier way to relieve stress.

Orsino
He's got this sort of slinky, super-feline quality to him that makes me think yep. Also, yes, part of me kind of ships Orsino with Meredith because he's probably exactly what she needs in the bedroom department. Just think, he could have saved the city with a daring proposition and a few glasses of Antivan wine!

The Inquisitor
Oh, depending on your character build and preferences, sure. And the Mark could also be an added bonus in certain scenarios. Sorry/not sorry.

Solas
He's thousands of years old, dating back to one of the most decadent, hedonistic eras in an intensely magical world, and for extra fun, he can paint the dream world of the Fade to be anything he wants it to be. In other words, there is nothing the Dread Wolf hasn't done in the sack as long as it's adult and consenting, and I'm talking genders, participants, etc. Nada. He's had the world tour several times over, and by now, he knows what he likes and knows how he likes it. (Confirmed preferences include dominating, er, focus, and probably lots of booty stuff. And don't forget the 'dominating focus.').

(stares into middle distance)

Wait, where was I?

ADDED NOTE: I can't help it! I keep picturing The Iron Bull and Solas making a trip to the store for bondage supplies, and then sharing notes on which materials they find most effective.

"But what about this stuff?" asks Bull. "It's great for adjusting tension, and it's on sale!"

"Nonsense," replies Solas. "It tangles easily and has no flexibility at all."

"But it's on sale!" cries Bull. "I could tie up half of Skyhold!"

"Nevertheless," says Solas. "It is important to be discerning in these matters if you wish the object of your affection to be satisfied." 

"Little asshole," grumbles Bull. "Everyone's satisfied with The Iron Bull."

"Undoubtedly," says Solas. "However, to keep it that way, I would go with my rope, not yours."

(Sorry. We now return you to your original posted content.) 

The Iron Bull
Oh, gosh, I don't know. You think? (hysterical laughter) Personally, I'm guessing for Bull that third base is practically his version of a good night kiss. 

ADDED NOTE: I keep visualizing this scenario in my head and it's been cracking me up for a few days now—Bull on the porch at the end of a date, and instead of a good-night kiss, just going right in for third base, and his date going, "Oh! Oh, my. Okay. Um, let's go inside." Although let's face it, anybody who ends a night with Bull with a kiss on the porch  just missed out on one of life's great moments, anyway. Sheesh, people.

But honestly, the best summation I can give of Bull's scenario is from my friend SeekerCat5500 over on Twitter, who wrote, "There's not one aspect of his lover's body that Iron Bull wouldn't dine on like a starving man at a feast."

She's not wrong. Also, woof.

(stares into middle distance)

Huh?

Krem
Handsome, smart, sweet, and dryly funny, I feel like Krem is basically perfect, so let's just say that I think he would be generous, attentive and very successful in this situation. However, I'd also guess that he'd have probably had a few insightful conversations with Bull, who would have given him lots of humorous advice on technique, combined with a few combat metaphors ("Don't rush right in! Vary your responses! Occasionally go for the unexpected, where they're weakest!" etc.) 

Dalish
She'd be a little bit impatient, she's got things to do and people to see and bad guys to shoot with a spell arrow: "There. No, there. No. Right there. Yes. No, you're in the wrong spot. Yes!" And at some point, she'd say the sexual equivalent of, "It's a bow." But dirtier.

Grim
Grim would grunt mysteriously a few times, then jump right in and make the recipient pretty happy in a businesslike fashion.

Sera
Shite, nobody even needs to ask this question because of course she does. In this scenario she is definitely Sera was Ever not Sera was Never.

Cole
(He pauses thoughtfully for a full minute)
"I don't think those two things go together. But also, you should talk to ______ because they think of nice things when they look at you, and then they smile." 

Blackwall
I think it could go either way. I'm gonna say, Blackwall, no. But when he's free to be Thom Rainier again? I'm gonna go with yes on this one. I think he'd be a people pleaser.

Scout Harding
Yes? I don't know. Sure, in a happy demi scenario with a trusted companion? 

Vivienne
"Oh, darling, how funny of you. Anyone approaches within a foot of that part of my body and they get a permanent case of Winter's Chill."

Dorian
Yes, and everyone's curtains go up in flames. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Cabot
Let's face it, with his clever moods and "words of the day," our sly barkeep is quite the cunning linguist.

Bram Kenric
"Oh, goodness, well let me see, I've been so focused on getting tenure, so this is a bit awkward. It certainly isn't like any of the  more scholarly descriptions I've read in books. It's a bit daunting, to be honest.  However, I'm willing to give it a try. Wish me luck!" Then at some point in the proceedings, he would injure himself on the bedpost, pass out, and require at least ten stitches.

Svarah Sun-Hair
"Ah! No. Wait a moment. Your tongue is as clumsy as a hold-beast's. It appears to me that while you are willing to please, you perhaps require further proper instruction. I will provide it. Begin again."

Corypheus
Look, say what you will about Corypants, but he's got to be an absolute dervish in the sack. Anything goes. He's totally got one of those bedrooms with weird colored lights and stuff too. And don't forget the striped stockings!

Josephine
No, I feel like she's a gentle ace who would probably rather not go there. But that she's very romantic in her own way and with the right partner.  

Sutherland
"Yes, ma'am, thank you, ma'am, a little higher? Sure. No, hold on. Left? Wait, was that a good sound or a bad one?"

Jim (Cullen's Attache)
Oh absolutely. He's still writing torrid fanfiction about the day when Cullen finally succumbs to his forbidden secret passions and realizes their love.

______________________________________________

What's your take? And what did I get wrong? 

Meanwhile, I regret nothing.

NOTE: Just a friendly reminder that if you enjoy my blog, tweets, or Dragon Age analyses, I'd welcome a coffee on Ko-Fi or some support on Patreon.


6 comments:

  1. I *love love love* this post.

    Going to restrict myself to two notes:

    1) You missed Bethany.

    2) Your note on Sigrun now has me pondering shipping her with Sera. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Rob! I made sure to add Bethany after your comment, and I agree that Sigrun and Sera would be adorable.

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  2. I agree with all, but Cullen. I think he would go downtown on Inky. He seems to be a very generous lover, especially after Inky helped him kick the lyrium habit.

    Alistair's was hilarious. I would like to think that he would probably ask for a how-to from either Zevran or Lelianna though. lol

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment, Ali! I agree that I was probably too tough on Cullen -- you were not alone in pointing that out!

      Delete
  3. Oh come on, poor Aveline gets a totally lame rap from how Varric presented the Donnic mess! (And that is a Varric fabrication I will fight you lol) Soldier with a Templar husband she likely rarely saw? Take advantage of the time when you have it hon. Aveline would also absolutely go down on a lover, blowing off steam with someone she trusts and expecting the same.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, I don't disagree -- I honestly don't think ANYONE I was tough on here would be a lost cause, it was just fun to play with the characters' personalities. I'm sure Aveline would be fine.

      Delete

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