The Warden and the King: Analyzing Alistair

"The arl used to come here in the winter when I was small. I, uh... slept with the hounds."

"Yeeees?" asked Alistair, and I was smitten.

Well, you know what they say. You never forget your first love. And they're right.

When it comes to Dragon Age, my very first love was this guy. Yeah, him. The cutie over there to the right, with the slight goatee and the cowlick (I love the cowlick!) and the bewildered expression and the beautiful voice of a guy who got lost in a honeycomb and managed to remember how to chuckle about it later. And he'd do so in a manner that was incredibly charming and self-effacing, especially since he didn't actually seem to know it was charming. 

You remember this guy, everyone does.

The sweet, smart, funny, brave young guy in Dragon Age: Origins. You may know him as Alistair. Or as King Alistair. Or (ouch) as the bitter drunk guy in the bar in Dragon Age 2. Or, almost as tragically, as the Grey Warden who joined up and then may have sacrificed himself in Inquisition.

Rumors vary.

But I still remember when he gave my Warden a rose, out of nowhere. The world was so dark, the skies were as grimy and ugly as the landscape around us, and here was this sweet guy giving my little cynical, tired, nightmare-ridden elven mage Warden a rose.

It's a moment. Or rather, a Moment. It really is. Because he gives her this speech, and it's just lovely, and beautifully acted by Steve Valentine (who I got to TALK TO recently for Dragon Age Day! I know! I'm plotzing! I'll share links soon... he was an incredibly nice and generous interview.)

But yet—because the speech is so beautifully written and delivered, it somehow doesn't matter that we may be experiencing this touching moment covered in Dragon Age Origins gore, or when fighting the Broodmother, or (even more hilariously) in the middle of the confrontation about a possessed Connor (ask my good friend @ImaSithDuh about that one—it's a great story).

The thing is, no matter what, it's just a lovely moment in which Alistair pours out his whole heart, every pure thing within him, to the Warden, and whether or not she loves him back, the most beautiful thing about this scene for me is that the most innocent and lovely element in it is not the rose, but Alistair.

Take a picture of this moment. Save it like a snapshot.

Because, depending on our choices, this Alistair will not survive the Blight, either literally or figuratively.

A Tangled Tree of Potential Futures

Among all of the incredible characters across the world of Dragon Age, Alistair is one of those with the most varied and diverse array of potential futures.

Let's look at just a few: He may stay "soft" Alistair, or become more cynical and "hardened." He may  be someone whose first love is also his last—or he may rapidly progress to having a threesome with Isabela and the Warden. He may accept the Kingship or refuse it, and remain a Grey Warden. He may successfully woo the Warden or be turned down. If he does woo the Warden, he may marry them, dump them, be dumped by them, or take her as his mistress. Or he may end up married to Anora.

He may also quit the Grey Wardens if the Warden chooses to allow Loghain to be conscripted, and in that case, he may end a hopeless drunk, or (softened or hardened) he may accept the Kingship. 

He may refuse the Dark Ritual with Morrigan, or he may accept it, and find that he has fathered a child.

And, of course, regardless of any of his varied romantic paths, he may succeed in killing the Archdemon and survive... or sacrifice himself.

And if he lives, and continues as a Grey Warden, he may also survive only to sacrifice himself in the Fade, in Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Basically, Alistair's future paths are as complicated as he is, himself.

Luckily, it's Dragon Age. It's all going to be written and presented beautifully, and here, by no less than Origins worldbuilder David Gaider, who infuses Alistair with an unflagging joy, wit, and humor that it would take a stronger person than me to resist.

But hey, who wants to resist? Alistair is a sweetheart. He's just a good guy. A good, funny, brave guy.

And maybe doomed. Maybe not.

As always... it's up to us. What happens to this guy, who's so immediately engaging? In a way, it's a beautiful encapsulation of Dragon Age. He can be a hero, a true love, or a cad. He can end up at the heights of kingship or the depths of a Kirkwall alleyway (an outcome that always destroys me).

But he's still always Alistair. He's still the person who wouldn't hesitate to die for what he believes in. He just runs into trouble when what he believes in crumbles. That's his tragedy, and the beauty of his potential character arc. What does he have if he can't die for something anymore? If what he believes in lets him down? 

The Boy With the Hounds

For me, no matter what fate awaits him, Alistair's story is always tinged with just a little bit of sadness.

Let's start with his upbringing. Born in 9:10 Dragon, it's implied that even living under the wing of Arl Eamon, Alistair grew up pretty poor and humble, told in childhood that he was a King's bastard whose mother had been a maid who'd died giving birth to him. He spent much of his time among the animals and even slept with the hounds. He was cruelly treated by Eamon's wife Isolde, who wrongly thought Alistair might be her husband's son, and he was eventually sent away to the Chantry (in 9:20 Dragon, to the monastery at Bournshire).

And excuse me for interrupting my wall of text here, but REALLY, Eamon and Isolde? Sending this sweet, funny, affectionate kid to go hang out with the livestock and bed down with the hounds? Isolde because of that stupid thing where the wife blames the kid for her husband's imagined indiscretion? (Gah. I hate this so much. Hated it with Catelyn, for instance, in Game of Thrones. hate it here. And I hate even more that it's believable psychology that actually happens. What is WRONG with people?!) And Eamon, who does all this awful stuff simply to pacify Isolde?

Eamon. Isolde. You are terrible people. Terrible, terrible people. And execrable parents.

But back to our recap of Alistair's journey.

Finding a Place

We soon discover, of course, that Alistair is actually the illegitimate child of King Maric and elven  Grey Warden mage Fiona, and that Arl Eamon had taken in Alistair at Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir's suggestion in order to shelter Alistair in Redcliffe, in part to protect the honor of Eamon's sister, Queen Rowan. Let's just say that Loghain's choice probably says something else about what an awful person he is, and as noted, I'm not a fan of Eamon's parenting skills, either.

During his years with the Chantry, Alistair was trained to be a Templar, but he chafed under the demands of Chantry life. Now an impressionable young man eager to make his mark on the world, and deeply unhappy with monastery life, he was rescued from this both literally and figuratively when he met Duncan, Commander of the Grey, in 9:29. 

Alistair met Duncan and well, it was love at first sight. Instant hero worship. And who can blame him? Duncan was a commanding and charismatic figure, a living hero doing something brave and selfless for king and country. Adding to Alistair's adoration was the reality that he was just not doing very well at the monastery—he hated life there, he hated being constantly told what to do, and wanted more. He wanted to be out there, doing, fighting, achieving—not hanging out in a church.

Not long before it would be time for him to take his sacramental vows as templar, Alistair began to push himself further, training, competing, and making an impact in a tournament where he fought bravely, but was ultimately defeated by several notable templar champions, including Ser Eryhn, a superb female templar, and other renowned champions Ser Talrew, and Ser Kalvin. 

Even in defeat, Alistair's bravery and pluck made a definitive impression on Duncan, who decided the boy would be a huge asset to the Grey Wardens, and sought to officially recruit him. Alistair was enthusiastic about the chance, and both he and Duncan eventually won out against the Chantry, which didn't want to let him go—the Grand Cleric only conceded when Duncan invoked the Right of Conscription to remove Alistair from the templars and into the world of the Grey Wardens.

But let's pause for a second again.

The Worst Gift Ever

If you read this blog, you know that I'm occasionally a bit conflicted on the Grey Wardens and how they work. I admire them unreservedly for the bravery of what they do, of the sacrifice it requires for each of them, and the courage it takes to do so.

However. I'm... not such a fan of "Let's keep the risks of the Joining secret for PR reasons!" Or, hey, "Let's conscript a sweet naive kid with a hero crush into a dangerous secret organization whose induction ceremony involves a significant risk of instant death—and a 10-15 year lifespan even if you survive!"

Ahem.

But. I mean, would YOU do this to someone you loved? Would YOU look into the eyes of a sweet, starry-eyed, brave young man, and decide the very best thing you can do for him is bring him into an organization with a limited lifespan, a fellowship with its share of thieves and rough, condemned men and women, and a certain ending in madness and lonely, violent death beneath the earth?

This is where I just can't help but blame Duncan, at least a little. Despite his shallow and obvious  doomed hotness.

Sorry. It's just so brutal. I do think there's real love for Alistair there, but based on what we see in Origins, Duncan is absolutely ruthless when it comes to stocking the Grey Wardens. He needs bodies. And we quickly realize that he's willing to lie to people and deceive them to get them to the Joining. 

And this is understandable, to a degree. He's a commander under huge stress and impossible odds—a guy facing a worldwide Blight, an Archdemon, and an unexpected tyrant. And he's pragmatic enough to use whatever he can. This is also key to his personality later on, when he will suggest the conscription of Loghain to the Wardens—for Duncan, every person is a potential Grey Warden, a potential tool worth spending.

But still. I'll never quite understand him looking at this young man who is almost a surrogate son... and condemning him to the Grey Wardens.

I know the story demands it. But that doesn't mean I can't resent it for that. Just a little.

Alistair in the Grey Wardens

As far as Alistair's backstory, wow, it's a poignant and predictable scenario for Alistair, in some ways. He was semi-abandoned, starved for love, treated like a stray who was sent to sleep with the hounds. He was also a lonely child who worshipped the Grey Wardens and who dreamed of the chance for future heroism. Only his mentor Duncan made things bearable, providing the father figure he'd always dreamed of.

This mentorship can, of course, end tragically if we decide to conscript Loghain, and it's a life-changing moment for Alistair—a moment that will cause him to give up on his quest with the Grey Wardens entirely. He may end up a drunk or a King, but he will never be the same again.

Neither will we.

Still, that's in the future. For now, Alistair thrived much more under the Grey Wardens than he had with the templars and Chantry, and the lonely young man found himself his first family of fellow misfits.

And then the Blight hit—and we begin the events of Origins, joining Alistair as our first window into the Grey Wardens.

Fairy Tales and Other Outcomes

Alistair is our Warden's first friend among the Wardens, and our immediate first party member. He  gives us our introduction to how the Grey Wardens function, and is basically a soft and understanding companion who guides us into our entrance into fighting a dark and Blighted world, no matter what our chosen origin story.

The key thing about Alistair is that he's just this guy who's funny and kind, our first friend, this Grey Warden who's dedicated to the cause. But his is a journey we're going to watch, up close, firsthand, whether he's our friend or enemy, whether he's a lover or more than that, and whether we dump him or he dumps us.

He's still pretty much always ridiculously charming. But that charm is different if the sweet kid becomes a cynical man, which makes it more painful if we, for instance, happen to play an elven mage romancing him during the Origins story. If we support his path toward kingship, it's that much more devastating when he promptly dumps our Warden as no longer appropriate as a consort. And he's honestly, again depending on choices here, pretty surprisingly cruel about it—especially if doing so as "hardened" (the path for Alistair in which we tell him, after the confrontation with his "sister" Goldanna, that he needs to toughen up and accept the world as it is).

So it's a crapshoot. We may end up with our chosen happy ending as Queen or (for the more accepting and cynical, as mistress), or as companion to the Warden who renounced the kingship—or we may end up dumped... or, worse, mourning the death of our lover, ex, or best friend.

Alistair as Party Member

The fun part of Alistair in our party in Origins is, of course, how he interacts both with our Wardens and (most of all) with our party members. Every relationship is fascinating and instructive, and tells us about each person—both who they are, and who they may become.

With Morrigan he is antagonistic and distrustful, and while I wouldn't exactly want to watch it, I admit that their banters are the stuff of rom-com legend, and I can totally get those who ship them. The love/hate energy is absolutely present.

With Wynne, he's boyish, familial, and a little coy, begging for shirt-mending and sock-washing and support, blushing when she offers too much help. I love their relationship, it's bittersweet when you remember that he never actually had a loving mother figure before her—more on this in my upcoming Meaningful Banters post separately.

While with Sten, he's respectful and appropriately wary. He's openly intrigued with Zevran's world-weary and open sexual confidence (and a little abashed by it), and easy and charming with Leliana (and for me, at least, it's easy to ship both of them here), and amused and curious with both Oghren and Shale. He is, of course, as the boy from the hounds, an outstanding friend to Barkspawn.

It's all so much fun, and so fascinating. 

Immortal Alistairisms

Thanks to David Gaider's innate wit and wordplay, Alistair is always charming and fun to be around, and some of his lines are easily the most immortal across the series, especially, of course, such gems as "Swooping is bad," and "I'll just stand over here until the blushing stops."

"What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I’m stranded somewhere without any pants."

"Yep. Beasties. Beasties are coming."

"Have you ever licked a lamp-post in winter?"

"That's what I'm here for. To deliver unpleasant news and witty one-liners."

"Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from!"

And my personal favorite: "You know, one good thing about the Blight is how it brings people together."

He's also predictably kind when delivering a notice of death: "I hope you like heroes, my lady, because your husband died like one." or "I'm sorry but your husband has fallen in battle. You have my condolences."

Basically, most conversations with Alistair feel like a warm hug with a chuckle at the end. It's incredibly disarming. It was also fun, later on, to see Gaider bringing a similar wit to Dorian, but of course with Dorian we're getting a much more sophisticated and self-aware character. But the same quick wit is still very much a throughline there.

My Journeys with Alistair 

I'm gonna be honest. I've resisted writing about Alistair because, although he was my first Dragon Age love, he also left me with some pretty conflicted feelings.

You know how it is with Dragon Age. These characters feel real. They sneak inside your heart.

And that's what happened with Alistair for me. As with so many of these characters.

My first playthrough ended happily enough, although it felt weird to me. My Warden romanced Alistair, he stayed softened (we gave Goldanna WAY too much money!), refused the Kingship, did the Dark Ritual (yes, everyone's doomed because of this, let's face it, at some point we're gonna have to PAY for this!), and they went off into the sunset together. But the odd thing was, I just didn't see it working out. I adored Alistair, but there was no way in my mind that these two people would ever last romantically. My Warden was too prickly and traumatized (city elf), and Alistair just felt too soft to me to survive her personality long-term. I was so convinced they wouldn't work out that I even wrote a fanfic about my headcanons, because honestly, by the end, I felt like she'd had a deeper connection (doomed, of course) with Sten.

I played other outcomes with Alistair after that, and weirdly that first playthrough was one of the happiest, although it played out oddly in my head. I did get another sweetheart of a playthrough with a Cousland where Alistair married her, and it was a lovely feeling to see our boy installed as King and yet happy in his new role, and with the woman he loved by his side.

The Darker Side of Alistair

Of course, I also played other, less happy outcomes. And just as a Qun-loyal playthrough will show you an unexpected and colder darker side to The Iron Bull in Inquisition, if you make certain choices with Alistair in Origins, you also get glimpses of his darker side, too. He's pretty brutal if he decides to dump you for the kingship, and if you "hardened" Alistair it's definitely one of those "be careful what you wish for" scenarios, because this is miles away from the sweet boy who once gave you a rose.

Meanwhile, if you take Duncan successor Riordan up on his suggestion to conscript Loghain for the Grey Wardens (for me, it's the perfect punishment for Loghain), Alistair goes absolutely nuclear. Even if you are at 100% approval with him, even if you're romanced, if you choose this, Alistair shuts down completely, goes stone-cold, and severs all friendship with you. He will also walk away from the Wardens (and from fighting the Blight), which stunned me the first time I played it.

The most surprising aspect for me in this potential storyline was that even when we defeat the Archdemon, if he is King, Alistair will talk to us one more time, but nothing has changed. He is still unrelenting and unforgiving, and he basically coldly tells us we should have died, and he's suspicious and going to investigate why we didn't (very plainly implying that he wanted us to do so).

And look, I get it. Every one of us has something we cannot allow, forgive, or overcome. Every one of us has an edge of the map, a "here there be dragons," go-no-further point. For Alistair, who is normally a pretty forgiving person, that edge of the map is the idea that Loghain survives in any way. For Alistair, the only appropriate outcome for Loghain's treason is death—and it's certainly the standard punishment for that crime, especially in the magical medieval world around him.

But it still shocked me. During the whole epilogue at the castle, I remember how I kept trying to talk to Alistair again, to explain that I had done what Riordan had wanted, wanting to tell him why I felt becoming a Grey Warden was actually appropriate for Loghain (he becomes the very thing he betrayed and tried to destroy), and that 10-15 years of fighting Darkspawn, ending in a lonely death beneath the earth was far more suffering than a quick fall of the ax. But of course, I couldn't. Alistair isn't going to listen, you no longer exist for him, his heart is hard, and he has a kingdom to run.

Fairytales and Their Endings

At heart, though, Alistair is a prince—a sweet guy who makes jokes even in the worst or most impossible situations, whistling in the dark. 

At his best, Alistair doesn't really want power, or kingship. Which is, of course, why I think he ends up being such a good king. It's always those who don't want the power who are best at handling it— the person who doesn't want to be king is usually much better and fairer than the person hungering for the throne. Even if he marries Anora, if he does so without taking the Warden as mistress, there is a sense (for me at least) that he's going to try to make the best of it, that he and Anora will try to find solace and companionship in each other. First, because it's expedient, and second, because, well, that's the way Alistair's built.

In the end, I really think he just wants to love and be loved. He's not just the giver of the rose that survives the storm, he's also that rose, himself—a delicate thing, whose survival was a kind of miracle.

But roses die. Princes, Wardens, and kings, die too, willingly sacrificing themselves against Archdemons or Fade monsters. Or they fade away as drunks in alleyways. Or maybe they just grow old, running a country next to a woman they may or may not love, or walking the darkness with fellow Wardens while their time runs out. In every one of these futures, Alistair is still going to be funny and charming; he's still going to say something fantastic and witty at just the right moment, no matter how much darkness or sadness is in his heart. Because that's also how he's built. He'll always try to add a bit of hope or sweetness where he can, to lighten the darkness.

Perhaps the most poignant lesson of Dragon Age: Origins is that the brightest lights are still capable of going dim. Roses bloom, even in darkness, but they also die. 

Sometimes, maybe it's enough that they ever bloomed at all.

Heads, Hearts, and Headcanons in Dragon Age Origins

OGHREN: Let's show them our hearts, and then show them theirs.

One of the greatest things about RPGs is how personal they feel, and of course that's by design. They're role-player games by definition, after all, and the best of them, like those in the Dragon Age series, allow us to immerse ourselves in their world, creating characters, atmospheres, relationships, and more. We feel like we're there; we feel like we're them. And that's fantastic.

If you read this blog, you already know I'm a headcanoning fool, and I know from my fellowships with many of you out there that I'm not unique in this! As with the greatest fiction, I love the feeling that I can transport myself and feel like I'm somewhere else while I play—that wonderful sense of escape the moment that opening music starts up, whether it's Inon Zur's haunting and delicate melody, or Trevor Morris's more somber, thoughtful overture. And right away, just from those first few music notes, I'm the Warden, I'm Hawke, I'm the Inquisitor, I have fabulous mage powers, I'm surrounded by a found family of cool, interesting companions, and (of course) I'm instantly attractive, fascinating, and talented. What's not to love?

So let's talk headcanons, and all those little things you find yourself thinking and imagining that add texture to your Dragon Age world as you play. Each of us has our favorites—so here are some of mine!

I'll start with Origins in this post, but I'll be looking at each game to follow, in separate posts, too. I was going to do all of them in one post, but—incredibly!—I am actually not going to put them all in one giant post for once. (I KNOW! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME??)

But onward.

Imagining Origins

I have some odd little headcanons when it comes to Origins. 

First off, when it comes to the effects of drinking from that cup for the Joining, I always felt like it was, a little bit... personal. I felt like, when your Warden undergoes the Joining, that they not only get that connection to the Archdemon that we hear about, but that the Archdemon also gets that connection to you. I mean, personally. That the Archdemon sees you in those nightmares, knows you, and you are now on a very short list. 

That's the reason—to me—for that piercing moment during the Joining when the Archdemon looks right at you. Because it does. It sees you. It hates you. You, personally, among the others on that very short list. And it is going to get you. That's pretty damn terrifying.

I also headcanon that there's a LOT of guilt to Duncan over the Joining, or there should be, because he's pretty morally damn shady there on a number of levels. It's a situation where the Wardens are actively suppressing the actual danger of the ceremony, because (understandably) if it were common knowledge that the Joining was lethal, even fewer would volunteer than already do (although they also conscript people, but that's a discussion for another day). So instead, we get that heartbreaking ceremony where people like Daveth don't survive the sip, or where Ser Jory says, "Um, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? And... er... what are the odds again?!" and then gets skewered to preserve the secret, etc.

And to be fair to poor Jory (who gets a lot of flack from the fandom), I don't think he's a coward. I think there's a world of difference between volunteering for a straight-up fight with a sword against an enemy —and volunteering for a service that also involves undergoing a secret mystical ceremony in which your odds of survival have been hidden from you for PR reasons until now. I always feel sorry for him, and for Daveth, and for poor Mhairi in Awakenings (I adored her), another who simply doesn't survive the sip... and countless others. 

Want a different take on the Grey Wardens? Play a conscripted Cousland—it's an interesting and more complex point of view to play a protagonist who didn't volunteer for this or choose it in any way (although the Circle Mage origin is basically a "do this or die" situation as well). Suddenly, Duncan and even Alistair are a little darker around the edges.

I do appreciate that Duncan is all quietly regretful and nobly sad about Jory and everything, but let's face it, once you get past the hotness and Shakespearean magnificence of Duncan and his beard and voice and general hotness (wait, I said that already), he's still maybe not walking on the side of the angels, here. I just think, knowing  if he's the good man he presents himself to be (or seems to want to be, if we want to talk semantics), that he's probably suffered his share of guilt-stricken sleepless nights. 

(In which case, CALL ME, DUNCAN! Wait, oops, did I say that out loud? Never mind...)

Messages in Roses...

And then there are the companions who become our Warden's family. I definitely headcanon that we see the last vestiges of innocence for both Alistair and Leliana in Origins, and I find that especially moving in hindsight. Leliana might be an experienced bard in DAO, but there's still enough innocence and belief to her that a simple rose can inspire her to an odyssey that will change all of Thedas. And for Alistair, a different rose may inspire his feelings of first love.

It's especially fun for me to think about Alistair's internal journey in Origins too, because he's such a contradiction—someone we really see finish growing up. The Alistair as the story begins is an innocent young man who still has a lot of the boy to him—he's sweetly unsure of relationships and is still full of awe and wonder about a lot of the world. 

But while Alistair is wide-eyed and naive in some ways, he's a contradiction in others. He's lighthearted and funny, true, but there's real sadness underneath—this is a guy who was hated and resented by his stepmother and sent out to sleep with the hounds. 

I'm always affected by the idea that, even in the Blight, part of Alistair is living the dream for much of Origins. At last he's free to be the hero he dreamed of being in all those cold nights, and he's finally free to travel like the heroes he imagined, and stand right alongside his adored father figure Duncan. Being a Warden is all Alistair has ever wanted, and when I think about this, and about the lonely little boy he must have been, it's no wonder that he falls so hard for a female Warden, or bonds so quickly with his companions. I also get a kick out of how quickly Alistair bonds with Wynne as the instant adoptive Mom he probably always wanted but never had, so I headcanon some homely moments at camp like Wynne teaching Alistair how to wash his own socks, or the basics of camp cooking, and more.

I also think about Leliana here... she's someone whose faith is so deep and profound that I have no doubt she's talking to the Maker on the regular in those quiet evenings when she's alone and thinking about her path.

The Quieter Moments at Camp

I always love going back to camp in Origins, and it's where I have the most fun imagining the relationships playing out as our companions evolve through the story.

First off, after seeing his expression during Leliana's song at camp, I absolutely think Sten's tent is always somewhat near Leliana's, simply because he is starved for things like music and art and softness, and he loves to sit and listen to her play or sing, even if he won't admit that out loud. I think the DAO party trails a constant stream of rescued cats and kittens that Sten feeds, pets, and plays with at camp (gruffly, of course, and loudly claiming he is "training" them), and that Alistair is a sucker for Barkspawn—I think he'd always have a fondness for them, so my headcanon is that Alistair would give Barkspawn lots of treats and playtime, while Sten watched disapprovingly, worrying loudly about Barkspawn being "spoiled"—but then of course he'd sternly lecture Barkspawn about all of this later on... and then give him treats.

I also like to imagine that Morrigan's little witchy separate campsite moves closer and closer and closer to the main campsite night after night as they travel, so that eventually it's right there next to leliana's, while she's still loudly protesting that she doesn't really like any of these people, and 'tis laughable that they'd ever accuse her of such madness.

I also privately believe that Oghren is more upset about Branka than he appears to be, and that there may have been some quiet tears in the late nights over at his side of the campsite. This is also why I think he's so constantly drunk, as well—as a way to manage his grief.

Shipping Origins

Romantically, do I have ships? Oh, yes, so many ships. Starting with the fact (and yes, this will shock those of you who read this blog regularly) that Sten means "kadan" in the romantic sense when he uses the word for his Warden. It doesn't help me that not only does he do this, and it's enormously affecting on that front, but Sten also has that ridiculously beautiful voice (thank you Mark Hildreth), which makes it even more swoonworthy.

Interesting side note: I've written a fanfic about this (yes, be afraid, be very afraid), but I will note that while I think Sten loves the Warden (and vice versa), for me there's even a headcanon reason why he's not a romanceable choice in-game. There's a reason he doesn't speak. It's hopeless. This isn't a situation for happy endings. Sten will leave after all of this and go back to Seheron (or Par Vollen). 

I've written about this before, but Sten is an interesting character to me precisely because he is a series of contradictions. He falls in love with the wide world outside of Seheron in DAO, and falls in love with its kittens and cookies and art and new cultures... but he is not a convert. He still sees these things from the point of view of the future conqueror. So he will not stay here. He will go back home. And even if he loves the Warden—he's still leaving if he survives. Unlike Bull, I believe nothing can sway Sten from belief in the Qun.

But on to happier ships. Most importantly, when it comes to my internal headcanons, if Zevran does not hook up with the Warden? I think Zevran totally hooks up with Wynne instead. This is a headcanon for me on the same level of belief as Adoribull. It's real for me, and it makes me profoundly happy. Nobody talks that much about somebody's bosom without being actively interested in seeing and touching said bosom. And I think they'd be good for each other. She'd drop some of that overly prim exterior (methinks the lady protests too much), and he'd have an emotional relationship that went beyond political expedience, work, or momentary pleasure.

The other little sort-of romance happening in Origins for me is Shale and her feelings for Sten. Now, this isn't exactly headcanon since it's something that we actually see via the banter dialogue (and it is funny, charming, and oh-my-God so subtly heartbreaking), but that dialogue leads to some headcanons for me, too. We know from those banters that Shale and Sten evolve their friendship to "kadan" levels of comradely affection, and we also know that Shale slips up at a later moment to reveal that she actually has feelings for Sten that not only seem to be romantic, but genuinely physical and sexual.

The fact that she feels these things almost 1200 years after her transformation, with her spirit confined to a hulking body made of stone, is really sad to me, especially because it seems to me that Shale doesn't seem to feel anything on a sensory level, to the point that she casually references being "whittled down" during her time in Honnleaf, for instance. She's truly a prisoner of stone. Since a sensual life is denied to Shale as part of the tragedy of being a golem, the revelation that she does in fact desire Sten physically is even sadder to me.

Which means that I headcanon that there are plenty of nights at camp where Shale contemplates the stars, unsleeping, listening to the small noises of the sleepers around her, and feels ancient and separate... and very, specifically, lonely. Although she will of course never admit it.

(Note: for some reason, the Dragon Age Wiki on Shale is currently referring to her as "it," and I'm very confused by whoever made this change, since Shale openly identifies as female in her dialogue. Or is she now considered nonbinary? In which case, shouldn't her pronouns be "they"? Sound off if you know!)

The Witch and the Bard

So many ships, so little time!

Let's see... yet again, there's the obvious fact that, as with Sten, the game won't let me romance someone I want to romance (Morrigan with a female Warden), which means I immediately ship that, and I always will. I'm still sad about that female Warden/Morrigan romance not being possible, because I do think (as with Cass in DAI) we're given glimpses of an interest in our heroine that goes beyond friendship, at least in moments. And I think there would be something soft and charming to it, and it would illuminate Morrigan in ways that a more stereotypical heterosexual romance (where she seems more focused on dominance and gamesmanship) does not.

Beyond that, I also ship Leliana and Morrigan a little in Origins. They're both so prickly with each other, and Morrigan is so completely over the top in her venom if they're rivals for the Warden that I feel like there's more than simple envy there. Especially since Morrigan relentlessly implies that Leliana is  inexperienced and frigid, and I'm sorry, it seems to me like Morrigan is forgetting that Leliana is a bard, and by her own accounts a skilled one in every sense of the word. She slyly talks about assassinating a mark after taking them as a lover, so Leliana even in Origins is certainly not the blushing nun Morrigan rather hilariously insists she must be. 

But beyond this, I do feel like there's real interest there as well, a spark between the two women. Leliana talks openly about Morrigan's beauty, and wants to take her shopping! I mean, I admit that this isn't exactly "go on a date with me," but come on, shopping with Leliana could totally be a date. Besides, we're in my mind, anything goes.

Meanwhile, while we're talking about ships here, let's face it, there's enough open snark, bickering and banter between Morrigan and Alistair that they're practically begging to be a rom-com and are inches away from realizing that all their arguing was actually just love in disguise. In some other universe, they realize their mutual attraction, throw themselves at each other, have surprisingly good sex for about two weeks, then break up, to both of their mutual relief.

Now none of us has to see the movie! You're welcome.

Schmooples, Barkspawn, and a Dash of Pounce

Meanwhile, I also headcanon that Barkspawn takes a little while to get used to Schmooples, but eventually plays with him, that Oghren is constantly secretly plotting to eat Schmooples, and that Schmooples has to sleep in Leliana's tent with her, curled up at the foot of her bedroll, so that Oghren won't make bacon out of him. Even if/when Leliana hooks up with anyone else in the party.

I also think Sten would have played with Schmooples secretly (since he's a softie about animals), and we already know he talked to Barkspawn, so of course he played with him as well (which I've already detailed earlier here too). My favorite mental image is of Sten getting Barkspawn to practice fetching in all these sort of gruesome scenarios, like, Barkspawn brings him a skull and he's all, "You are a good and honorable creature. I will boop the nose." 

Still, as far as animal headcanons, my favorite one in all of Dragon Age, however, has to be the mental image of sweet, brave little Ser Pouncealot leaping at the faces of Anders's enemies in Awakenings. Because in my head, he's basically riding around in Anders's backpack, and in battle, he crouches on Anders's shoulder, then jumps right out at people. Mrreowrr! Attack!

Goddesses and Archdemons

I adore Flemeth as a character, although even three games in, I'm not sure if I trust her, so I love every single scene we get with her, and especially listening to the gorgeous combination of violin-meets-rusty-gate that is Kate Mulgrew's fabulous voice. And I especially love her subtle amusement at our complete befuddlement at the greater events of Thedas. I mean, here's our young Warden, who depending on the chosen origin story is varying levels of traumatized, scared, tired, and new to all these great matters, talking to what we will later realize is basically an ancient queen and demigoddess. 

Flemeth sees all of Thedas as a chessboard and, for good or ill, is moving those pieces. Meanwhile, we're just trying to get through all this with a little nightmare-free sleep and a clear idea of the next 24 hours, and most of the time, we're failing at both. Flemeth's operating at a whole other level, and so, it turns out, is Morrigan. Morrigan may hate her mother, but she, too, still seems to serve that larger picture, because even if we kill her mother in her dragon form, she will still show up in the end to offer the Dark Ritual.

When it comes to Flemeth and Morrigan, it's interesting that Flemeth sends Morrigan off as her Official Swamp Witch Representative of sorts, even while knowing (it's pretty clear) that Morrigan will not only betray and attempt to supplant her, but that on some level Flemeth deserves that betrayal. Seriously, listen to the stories Morrigan tells about her childhood. Flemeth was a truly horrific mother, and Morrigan's tearful gratitude over the beautiful little mirror as the first actual freely given gift in her life will always enrage me.

So it's interesting for me to headcanon that Flemeth expects Morrigan's betrayal and may have even orchestrated it as a necessary next step. And whether or not we try to kill Flemeth on Morrigan's behalf (which I pretty much don't do anymore, because the fight's a tough one, and it's much more interesting to talk to Flemeth instead), I always imagine that afterward, when we leave, she goes back into that lonely little hut, and maybe she finally allows herself to realize what she did to her daughter. Flemeth may be ancient and cold, but yes, I think there are tears.

I don't love Anora, meanwhile, although I think she's an interesting character, but her instant pragmatism and willingness to betray us if we rescue her always makes me laugh. There's not even a break in the action, she's just, "Nope! They are not my rescuers, and I am not a part of this in any way!"

Nevertheless, when I imagine the Landsmeet, if Loghain is executed, from the Origins gore that instantly sprays across her face as her father dies, I definitely headcanon that poor Anora went off afterward, had the appropriate breakdown, and thereafter lost most of her taste for statecraft. Or, in an alternate universe, it's fun to imagine the moment sending Anora into a cinematic-level revenge spiral.

Meanwhile, the final battle with Urthemiel is sort of comical for me in some ways, because I spend the entire thing divided between my attacks on the Archdemon and spamming heals to protect my adorable Hot Young Teagan from harm. (I used to protect First Enchanter Irving too, but after Dragon Age II and what Kinloch Hold (keep in mind, reputed to be one of the "kinder" holds) put Anders through, honestly, Irving can fuck right off.)

Aftermaths

Depending on how that last battle goes, I have a number of minor headcanons. We get some sketchy details on life after the events of Origins, and of course most of those are presented as rumors (a very smart choice, once the game became part of a series).

If the Dark Ritual is refused and the Warden dies, like most of us I usually imagine the lives of their Companions afterward—not just the obvious sadness of the romanced Companions who have lost their love, but the effects of that loss on the lives of the others, too. There's some incredible fan art out there that explores some of these, and one of my favorites, by Remington-Zero, involves Zevran talking with the Warden, for instance, and it turns out he's making the latest visit to their gravestone.

Of course, we can also end Origins not just with the loss of our hero and avatar, but with the potential loss of so many of our friends—with the loss of Alistair or Sten as companions, with the deaths of Sten, Leliana, Wynne, Zevran, Shale, or poor Barkspawn (NEVER HAPPENING! Don't "at" me!), and in every case that loss is potential fuel for imagined grief.

We do know some of the fates of our friends who survive, and see many of them again in later game story chapters. Among those we don't hear much about... among the aftermath stories I imagine with Origins is the idea that Shale goes and finds the secret to unlocking her dwarven female form again, and while I don't think she goes and romances Sten and finds true love or anything, I do like to think that she meets up with him again in some far-off time and place, probably after he's Arishok, and that he smiles when he realizes who she is, and hugs her. (Yes, I headcanon that Sten hugs people, albeit grudgingly, and that he gives great hugs, although no, probably not quite at The Iron Bull-level of hug greatness).

As far as Barkspawn, after I saved him (since I always save him) I imagine that he had a long, long life, and that even as a Grey Warden canine, he was old but still alive at the time of Inquisition's events. I also absolutely know, with certainty, that after all the adventures of Origins are done, that when he returned to Par Vollen, Sten carried a rescued cat in his satchel... as well as a recipe for cookies.

What are your favorite Origins headcanons? Please share them in the comments!

Dragon Age Answers to the Batman Question... (NSFW)

Warning: NSFW implications and scenarios galore.

So you know that Batman bedroom scenario that had Twitter spontaneously combusting the other day? You know the one. About whether or not the Dark Knight would take a tour, ahem, downtown on a night with Catwoman. Otherwise known as The Greatest Conversation in the History of Twitter?

I thought it would be naughty fun to address this via Dragon Age characters, so see my takes below. I saw this discussed in a few places casually on Twitter, but want to shout out to Squonk, who posted a conversation that inspired me to do my own take on this. 

Note: Depending on their sexual orientation, let's just say that we're asking whether the character would take that tour with a partner of their appropriate gender.

Another Note: I forgot a few people! Bethany! Krem! A few others! So I've added them. Along with a few stupid comments that I forgot originally, so I hope they're good for a laugh. Many thanks to readers Rob and Kirsty for the reminder!

I'm probably gonna be sheepish I wrote this, but it was fun, and we all need a little fun in the world right now. So, onward!

The Warden
The world's ending any minute now, I feel safe in saying they absolutely would.

Alistair
Would have to be talked through it, probably also with diagrams, but sure. He would blush afterward and also send flowers.

Leliana
She's a bard who loves women, and who is highly skilled in the arts of the bedroom. What do you think? Those smallclothes would be off faster than you can say... smallclothes.

Morrigan
Definitely would, but I'm kind of thinking she'd be one of those "I gave you five minutes, now give me an hour" kinds of foreplay types. 

Sten
Hell, yes. He's Qunari—while they're repressive and disturbing as a whole, they do seem to be a culture that is very sex-positive even if aromantic, and during his time as a Companion he's totally doing the Qunari equivalent of visiting Europe, anyway. Don't @ me.

Oghren
I think he'd be willing, but the question is—would he stay conscious long enough? I just don't see that happening. Nope.

Wynne
Not... yet? I think she'd be willing, but I think she's had lousy luck so far (it's why I ship her with Zevran after he flirts with her in Origins, since he would absolutely rock her world). Let's be real—her previous sexual escapades were probably all hasty stolen moments in various dusty dark corners of the mage tower. And they never lasted more than four minutes at a time. (And now I'm depressed.)

Zevran
He finds the question hilarious, and has over two dozen favorite approaches and techniques, some of which both begin and end with an erotic massage. And yes, it would be ridiculously awesome.

Shale
"What a bizarre and useless question about those stupid, soft and fleshy beings."

Loghain Mac Tir
Nuh-uh. I don't think so. Look at all that tension. This is not the face of a man who's ever had a really happy sexual experience. Or given one.

Urthemiel
"Nobody ever asks what I need. Nobody ever asks if I'm a caring, gentle and considerate lover. Nope. It's all, 'Whine, whine, whine! Why'd you have to bring the Darkspawn? Blight, Blight, Blight!' and I'm sick of it."

Anders
Yep. You'd have pretty great sex, he'd be generous and satisfying, and then you'd look out your window and his moving van would already be parked right there at the curb. Still, there are worse trade-offs. I'm just saying.

Justice
"Are you being humorous? No. This question is immaterial and a waste of time."

Nathaniel Howe
I'm kind of seeing Nat as the sexual equivalent of a middle-of-the-road steak dinner. Like, nothing super-creative there, but the arrow would find its target. (Oh, that was really bad. Really, really, really bad.)

Sigrun
She'd be funny and caring, one of those "rogue in the streets, stole your sheets" types.

Velanna
Yes, but it would be tense, passive-aggressive, and slightly perfunctory. And she wouldn't call you afterward.

Teagan Guerrin
No. Just look at what happens to that man from Origins to "Trespasser." That is the face of a profoundly disappointed person right there. Nope. Never a single fun night in his entire life. What a waste of Hot Young Teagan! I blame Isolde.

Duncan
Yeah, I'm thinking a definite yes on that one. Duncan was a bit of a rascal in his early years, so this is not a guy afraid of a trip to the Deep Roads, is what I'm saying.

Hawke
All three colors are a resounding yes no matter what. Blue Hawke spoons after, Red Hawke doesn't. If it's Purple Hawke, there would be brief spoonage and then probably something humorous like farts or hiccups.

Cullen
Based on his adorable uptightness and his panic during even basic flirtation scenarios, I'm gonna go with a soft no on this one. I'm not saying he wouldn't eventually get there, but he'd definitely need to meet the right woman (thousands immediately raise their hands to volunteer). He's spent a lot of his life focusing on work and guilt, so to me his romance in Inquisition just makes me think there's not a ton of reach and flexibility in that corner of his life as yet.

Flemeth
If you could get past the subtly terrifying "I'll probably kill you when I'm done" aspect of Flemeth's sex life, she was probably a total blast as well as wickedly creative in her day when it came to romantic shenanigans. Absolutely yes.

Isabela
"Oooh, aren't you funny, you!" (Cheerfully and promptly demonstrates superior technique on the person asking the question. Bonus points if it's Catwoman.)

Varric
Of course he does, he's got a great imagination and is actually famous for writing blushworthy fictional romantic torrid scenarios.  And I'm sure he's had his share of opportunities, trysts, and admirers. 

And yet, in Varric's ongoing day to day life? It's a bit tragic, as his primary experience seems to have been with Bianca, and that is just really a waste of all that dwarfly sexiness. My question is, does he practice on the person, or the crossbow? Or... both?

Aveline
See also Cullen. That's a no. 

Cassandra
Absolute yes. Classic example of  someone who doth protest too much. Nobody reads that much Swords & Shields who isn't gonna be secretly delightful in the kip.

Fenris
Yes, and it would be very intense and dramatic. He'd probably get glowy at certain moments.

Merrill
"Did I miss something dirty?" My favorite thing about Merrill is that she is a paradox—an innocent who is completely free of sexual hangups, very much like the character of Jester in Critical Role, Campaign 2. In all seriousness, I always kind of ship her with Isabela, so yes. 

The Arishok
Absolutely would, and I'm not gonna say anything else because, anyway... yeah. (I'll... be in my bunk.)

Sebastian
Oh, no no no, my Andrastian ears and whiskers, no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not ever. Or at least—not after his vows! Before is another matter entirely.

Tallis
Tallis would combine the Qun's no-nonsense sexual wisdom and technique with a sweet, funny, sparkly running dialogue that would either be annoying or adorable, or probably both.

Carver
Would be willing, but he'd also be the type to get someone interested down at The Hanged Man and then he'd complain and complain and complain for so long that they'd get that fixed expression on their face, escape when he paused for breath, and Carver'd never realize he just lost the chance to hook up. Poor grumpy bro.

Bethany 
Hmmm... she's very proper and sweet. But she's also incredibly empathetic and wants people around her to feel joy, so hey, this would be one way for her to do that. I'm just sayin'. So Bethany's a yes.

Meredith
I'm gonna say no. And all of Kirkwall will pay just because she couldn't find a healthier way to relieve stress.

Orsino
He's got this sort of slinky, super-feline quality to him that makes me think yep. Also, yes, part of me kind of ships Orsino with Meredith because he's probably exactly what she needs in the bedroom department. Just think, he could have saved the city with a daring proposition and a few glasses of Antivan wine!

The Inquisitor
Oh, depending on your character build and preferences, sure. And the Mark could also be an added bonus in certain scenarios. Sorry/not sorry.

Solas
He's thousands of years old, dating back to one of the most decadent, hedonistic eras in an intensely magical world, and for extra fun, he can paint the dream world of the Fade to be anything he wants it to be. In other words, there is nothing the Dread Wolf hasn't done in the sack as long as it's adult and consenting, and I'm talking genders, participants, etc. Nada. He's had the world tour several times over, and by now, he knows what he likes and knows how he likes it. (Confirmed preferences include dominating, er, focus, and probably lots of booty stuff. And don't forget the 'dominating focus.').

(stares into middle distance)

Wait, where was I?

ADDED NOTE: I can't help it! I keep picturing The Iron Bull and Solas making a trip to the store for bondage supplies, and then sharing notes on which materials they find most effective.

"But what about this stuff?" asks Bull. "It's great for adjusting tension, and it's on sale!"

"Nonsense," replies Solas. "It tangles easily and has no flexibility at all."

"But it's on sale!" cries Bull. "I could tie up half of Skyhold!"

"Nevertheless," says Solas. "It is important to be discerning in these matters if you wish the object of your affection to be satisfied." 

"Little asshole," grumbles Bull. "Everyone's satisfied with The Iron Bull."

"Undoubtedly," says Solas. "However, to keep it that way, I would go with my rope, not yours."

(Sorry. We now return you to your original posted content.) 

The Iron Bull
Oh, gosh, I don't know. You think? (hysterical laughter) Personally, I'm guessing for Bull that third base is practically his version of a good night kiss. 

ADDED NOTE: I keep visualizing this scenario in my head and it's been cracking me up for a few days now—Bull on the porch at the end of a date, and instead of a good-night kiss, just going right in for third base, and his date going, "Oh! Oh, my. Okay. Um, let's go inside." Although let's face it, anybody who ends a night with Bull with a kiss on the porch  just missed out on one of life's great moments, anyway. Sheesh, people.

But honestly, the best summation I can give of Bull's scenario is from my friend SeekerCat5500 over on Twitter, who wrote, "There's not one aspect of his lover's body that Iron Bull wouldn't dine on like a starving man at a feast."

She's not wrong. Also, woof.

(stares into middle distance)

Huh?

Krem
Handsome, smart, sweet, and dryly funny, I feel like Krem is basically perfect, so let's just say that I think he would be generous, attentive and very successful in this situation. However, I'd also guess that he'd have probably had a few insightful conversations with Bull, who would have given him lots of humorous advice on technique, combined with a few combat metaphors ("Don't rush right in! Vary your responses! Occasionally go for the unexpected, where they're weakest!" etc.) 

Dalish
She'd be a little bit impatient, she's got things to do and people to see and bad guys to shoot with a spell arrow: "There. No, there. No. Right there. Yes. No, you're in the wrong spot. Yes!" And at some point, she'd say the sexual equivalent of, "It's a bow." But dirtier.

Grim
Grim would grunt mysteriously a few times, then jump right in and make the recipient pretty happy in a businesslike fashion.

Sera
Shite, nobody even needs to ask this question because of course she does. In this scenario she is definitely Sera was Ever not Sera was Never.

Cole
(He pauses thoughtfully for a full minute)
"I don't think those two things go together. But also, you should talk to ______ because they think of nice things when they look at you, and then they smile." 

Blackwall
I think it could go either way. I'm gonna say, Blackwall, no. But when he's free to be Thom Rainier again? I'm gonna go with yes on this one. I think he'd be a people pleaser.

Scout Harding
Yes? I don't know. Sure, in a happy demi scenario with a trusted companion? 

Vivienne
"Oh, darling, how funny of you. Anyone approaches within a foot of that part of my body and they get a permanent case of Winter's Chill."

Dorian
Yes, and everyone's curtains go up in flames. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Cabot
Let's face it, with his clever moods and "words of the day," our sly barkeep is quite the cunning linguist.

Bram Kenric
"Oh, goodness, well let me see, I've been so focused on getting tenure, so this is a bit awkward. It certainly isn't like any of the  more scholarly descriptions I've read in books. It's a bit daunting, to be honest.  However, I'm willing to give it a try. Wish me luck!" Then at some point in the proceedings, he would injure himself on the bedpost, pass out, and require at least ten stitches.

Svarah Sun-Hair
"Ah! No. Wait a moment. Your tongue is as clumsy as a hold-beast's. It appears to me that while you are willing to please, you perhaps require further proper instruction. I will provide it. Begin again."

Corypheus
Look, say what you will about Corypants, but he's got to be an absolute dervish in the sack. Anything goes. He's totally got one of those bedrooms with weird colored lights and stuff too. And don't forget the striped stockings!

Josephine
No, I feel like she's a gentle ace who would probably rather not go there. But that she's very romantic in her own way and with the right partner.  

Sutherland
"Yes, ma'am, thank you, ma'am, a little higher? Sure. No, hold on. Left? Wait, was that a good sound or a bad one?"

Jim (Cullen's Attache)
Oh absolutely. He's still writing torrid fanfiction about the day when Cullen finally succumbs to his forbidden secret passions and realizes their love.

______________________________________________

What's your take? And what did I get wrong? 

Meanwhile, I regret nothing.

NOTE: Just a friendly reminder that if you enjoy my blog, tweets, or Dragon Age analyses, I'd welcome a coffee on Ko-Fi or some support on Patreon.

The All-Time Most Romantic Dragon Age Moments

Oh, Cullen. Your love for the Inky is sweet, hesitant, and a reminder of how much our Dragon Age characters can evolve across one of gaming's best trilogies.

Varric: Look, Seeker, if you love a character, you give them pain, ruin their lives, make them suffer. Maybe even throw in a heroic death.
Cassandra: That makes no sense!
Varric: You care enough to argue. If she had a nice afternoon and took a nap, you'd stop reading.

Happy (Late) Valentine's Day!

So, I wanted to post this a few days ago. And of course, life and work intervened. But still... better late than never, right? Hawke would forgive me instantly. The Warden would roll her eyes. And the Inquisitor would look at her watch.

Or so I headcanon. But onward...

The lovely thing about pixels is, they never let you down. If we love them, they love us. And because we are all fabulous Dragon Age fans here, let's face it, no matter who we are, we've all had a perfect romantic moment with the companions we love.

So instead of a ranking of romances, which I just feel wouldn't be productive and wonderful, I'd rather provide a rundown of my personal favorite sexiest, most romantic and most poignant moments across Dragon Age, for all companions.

Here goes!

Dragon Age: Origins

A rose by any other name just wouldn't be the rose given by Alistair to his adored Warden. It almost makes a Blighted world worth navigating...

Alistair
Alistair is a lovely Prince Charming, especially when he begins to face the Blight-ridden world he's supposed to save, and grows up. He's sweet, brave, and bashful, and his declaration of love for the Warden, giving her a rose in a world of darkness, really moved me the first time, and always will. It's one of my favorite-ever romance moments in Dragon Age: He's young and vulnerable but he's not wrong to use this one moment in a time of tragedy and torment to declare his feelings. It's just lovely (and beautifully acted by Steve Valentine).

For me it's Alistair's most beautiful, literate and genuinely poetic moment: 

Here. Look at this. Do you know what this is?

I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, 'How could something so beautiful  exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness? I probably should have left it alone but I couldn't. The Darkspawn would come and their Taint would just destroy it. So I've had it ever since. I thought that I might... give it to you, actually. In a lot of ways, I think the same thing when I look at you.

(Warden replies among several options)

I'm glad you like it. I was just thinking... here I am, doing all this complaining, and you haen't exactly been having a good time of it, yourself. You've had none of the good experience of being a Grey Warden since your Joining, not a word of thanks or congratulations. It's all been death, and fighting, and tragedy. 

I thought maybe I could say something. Tell you what a rare, and wonderful thing you are to find amidst all this... darkness.

Morrigan has literally been raised to distrust closeness, kindness, and generosity. Her romance therefore reveals a vulnerability and sweetness that is doubly charming.

Morrigan
For a scary swamp witch who can turn into a spider at will, Morrigan is surprisingly lovable. I adore her. I know she's controversial but to me she's a peanut-butter-tart with a soft and creamy center.

Wait. That sounded more sexual than I meant it. Although yes, I wanted to romance her with my female Warden and am still not okay that I couldn't.

Morrigan's romance, however, is genuinely lovely—she's tentative on emotion, forceful on passion, as you might suspect, and yet... the emotion is always there. It means something to her. Her acknowledgement of the Warden's feelings is moving because we know it's one of the only times she's ever done so in her life. Ever.

She seems like one of the sweetest characters in Dragon Age, but Leliana has a core of stone and steel to see her through the greatest crises of world or heart. And yet, no one is braver or more faithful.

Leliana
Oh, Leliana, Leliana, where do I start.

Romancing Leliana in DAO is like admiring the grace of a beta fish and not knowing it was a shapeshifter fish. It was not swirly and cute and pretty and inoffensive. It was a swordfish. Ha. But the joke's on you. It wasn't a swordfish, either: It was a shark all along. A beautiful GORGEOUS awesome, smart, subtle shark, but... yeah.

But that shark still has the soft little feathery feelings of the beta fish. As it should.

The best part is that she is unshakably faithful: If she romanced the Warden in DAI and Trespasser, she's still present, faithful, and loving there. It's the best thing ever.

Leliana: "Here, with you, knowing the freedom of the road and the uncertainty of tomorrow, I feel alive again." And a bit later... "It comforts me to know that the stars will remain untouched by the Blight. That whatever happens down here, they will shine eternally, their light undimmed."

Leliana is a combination of sweetness, softness, and steel. Leliana is amazing.

He's the rogue with the tongue of velvet and the heart of silk. Zevran is well worth romancing, and he's one of the funniest and most moving characters across the trilogy.

Zevran
I love Zev. Because his romance isn't "Yay! We're in love! Let's have sex!" and more, "Yay! We've had sex! Now we navigate the minefield of... feelings?!"

Ahem. But you get it. 

Like Bull, Zevran makes sex simple and only the emotions that follow anything complex or challenging. For him, they are a series of puzzles, a cipher. A product of incredible abuse thanks to an upbringing among brothels and assassins (wait, who does this remind you of?), poor Zev came through with his joy and sensuality intact. After a recent devastating loss of both life and faith, he has decided to kill himself, and it's only the Warden's mercy that spares him (or not).

And so there we are, with a wonderful character who thinks nothing of sex and who guards his own secrets like gold. Beautifully and humorously voiced by the talented Jon Curry, Zev is a character to adore or to kill and discard as too dangerous to live. Me, I've never ever been able to kill him or send him away.

And it's fitting for such a textured, rich character that one of his most devastating moments is when he's absolutely stone-cold serious and his heart is breaking:

"By your side I would willingly storm the gates of the Dark City itself."

Dragon Age II

Merrill cannot find her way around her own alienage even after years of residence, but she knows her own heart, and she's wiser than she seems.

Merrill
Secrets of Dragon Age blogging: Look. I love Merrill. I love her like I love relatives. Pets. Because (cringeworthy admission): She is the most like me. Of any DA character, she's who I understand, who I love, who I know. I have to respect and adore someone who can understand and parse complex magic and metaphysics while also finding herself lost in a simple neighborhood setting. BINGO. I get this.

And I think she's vastly underestimated. She's a goofball but she's also wise, and brave, and clear-eyed. (I'm not saying I am any of those things: But she is undoubtedly smart and yet in life, she is often... not. And I identify with that.)

But here's my favorite example of her feelings for a romanced Hawke, because they show that little thread of metal at her core, and as always it's a gorgeously voiced scene by Merrill's voice actor Eve Myles. Merrill is darling, but she does not mess around:

Aveline: I didn't expect you to stick around for this mess Merrill. This has nothing to do with your elves.
Merrill: I love Hawke, I wouldn't go anywhere.
Aveline: But it's not your fight.
Merrill: I love Hawke.
Aveline: You said that.
Merrill: I say it a lot. It makes things clearer, takes away doubt when everything is crazy and people are dying.
Aveline: I understand.
Merrill: Oh, good. Someone should.

That's Merrill for you. Funny when you expect her to break your heart. And heartbreaking just when you expect her to make you laugh.

Sexy, confident and complex, Isabela's suffered much. And she's softer at heart than she seems.

Isabela
I loved Isabela's romance. It's surprising, funny, sexy, and warm. It's also complex and it often zigs just when we think it will zag.

Isabela isn't always an easy character to love. She's tough, tenacious, pragmatic, and a pretty challenging, frightening life that included enslavement, rape, forced marriage, servitude, and imprisonment has taught her to be all right with cold, even callous choices. (Evidenced by her behavior over the Tome of Koslun throughout Dragon Age II.)

But there's more to Isabela, and she often shows us real charm and sweetness beneath the tough swaggering sailor-captain. She puts up with Aveline's constant yelps of "Whore!" and still sees beneath the warrior's puritanical knee-jerk reactions to the slightly scared, socially uncomfortable woman beneath.

As Izzy's terrific voice actor, Victoria Kruger's voice is rich and gorgeous, and it provides Isabela with something that externalizes who she is at her core—her generosity and warmth. As when she looks out for Merrill and calls her "Kitten." There's something to Isabela that's fine and pure, when she allows herself to be vulnerable.

My favorite moment for Isabela's romance is the very first one, when she shows up at Hawke's door for a little quality time. Since I was playing this with my FemHawke, I had no idea Izzy was, er, propositioning my girl for a little sex, and I was stupid enough to go, "Sure! Let's have girly time!" I was picturing more mani-pedis, but was also sort of delighted, nevertheless, that she was proposing something entirely different. My Hawke's reaction: Well, all righty, then! (Mani-pedis are, after all, overrated.)

Needless to say, the next scene, of Izabela and my Hawke happily making out while tossing off a dozen daggers apiece, remains one of the funniest, sexiest scenes in Dragon Age for me. I've seen it with a male Hawke too, but somehow it's better and funnier with the two women. Maybe because it's just so empowered, so strong, and so freaking funny.

I know many, many fans will disagree with me, but for me, Anders deserves every tiny little moment of happiness he can get. And somebody still needs to go find Ser Pouncealot. (Talk to the hand.)

Anders
Oh, Anders. The angst! The drama! The italicized proclamations!

Here's the deal: I love Anders. I know he's over the top. But I know how much he's been through. I know what he's suffered. I know he's spent his entire life running from people trying to isolate and control him.

So the fact that he's able to still feel so much in Dragon Age II, to be so passionate, is kind of a miracle to me. Let's not forget that our earliest outing for him literally involves our mercy-killing the first person he ever loved romantically.

So I love Anders's romance, with all its dramatic proclamations, doomed portents, and breathless kisses. His romance is one of my favorites across Dragon Age, and always will be.

I know people favor the dramatic "drown us in blood" quote, but the one that always gets me with Anders is quieter, and it broke my heart into little slivers:

"No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love... This is the rule I will most cherish breaking."

This. This is everything that's wrong with the mage/templar system. And it's doubly tragic given Anders's choices in this story path. But it will always move me.

Hey, if they took away his damn cat (don't get me started on Ser Pouncealot's fate!), the least Anders deserves is a night with the person he loves.

Abused, enslaved, and traumatized, the beautiful Fenris is a terrifying warrior who's able to reach right in and grab your heart. Both literally and metaphorically.

Fenris
"That night... I remember your touch as if it were yesterday. I should have asked your forgiveness long ago. I hope you can forgive me now."

Oh, Fenris. Such a tease.

I mean, I understand. And I know he has good reason—and isn't even always aware of how or why. As with Solas, he's close then not-close; near then far—not because he's consciously being a jerk, but because of the incredible trauma he's navigating.

And nobody has more trauma than poor Fenris, who has endured impossible sufferings in captivity, enslavement, rape, and further trauma, and all of it has—tragically and predictably—left him with a wellspring of real damage, sadness, hatred, vengeance, and suspicion.

He shares a night with Hawke, but he's then instantly conflicted as hidden memories surface, and he's undone by the vulnerability of real love and sex. While poor Hawke is devastated, Fenris's return is lovely and truly romantic:

"Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you," he says. He goes on to say, poignantly, "If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side."

Sigh.

Dragon Age: Inquisition

Cassandra is a strong woman and superb warrior, but she's just as susceptible as any of us to a sweet moment of poetry. And that's a very, very good thing.

Cassandra
In a grove just outside of Skyhold, the Inquisitor calls to Cass with a line of lit candles through the trees, with poetry to bring her into the space.

He declaims the poem, "Carmenum di Amatus" and she teases him about it then quotes from it on her own lips:

His lips on mine speak words not voiced, a prayer.
Which travels down my spine like flames that shatter night.
His eyes reflect the heaven's stars, the Maker's light
My body opens, filled and blessed, my spirit there.

And the moment when the Inquisitor circles around behind Cass to join in on the poetic moment she finishes those final lines, his breath on her neck, her face inches from his. It's just so lovely and delicate, and everything our romance-loving Cass could wish.

"Not merely housed in flesh," he says. "But brought to life."

It's pretty sexy. It's even better that Cassandra's romance-loving heart of course adores every single minute.

What happens when sex turns to something more? Iron Bull's romance explores this conundrum with humor, edge and charm (and a surprising amount of poignance).

Iron Bull

It's a challenge to pick a romantic moment from the guy who shows NO RESPONSE AT ALL when we flirt with him, hopelessly, over and over and over again. Who views sex as a purely physical thing, a release and then boom, done.

Until he begins to think there might be more.

That's a relationship with the Iron Bull. For me, despite many romantic moments with our challenging and edgy Hissrad across the relationship, the one moment that stays with me as the loveliest and heart-meltiest, is during the postcoital "watchword" discussion scene. 

And here, for me, the final wonderfulness is a tie, when we can either tell Bull we love him (and Bull, acted beautifully by Freddie Prinze Jr., responds poignantly with a soft, "I love you too," or we can tell him we fear the outcome and that we may not make it through, and for the first and only time, Bull breaks down. 

He actually breaks, and responds softly, with "Katoh. I can't..." And that's the moment, you guys. It absolutely kills me. Kudos to Patrick, Freddie, and BioWare because I cry every single time I've seen it.

NOTE: And of course, I'm talking Tal-Vashoth Bull for maximum romance. Because, do not even start me on the alternative. Nope. We're not going there. KREM LIVES, you bastards!

Cullen's romance is sweet and unexpectedly moving, but it's his faith that adds a dash of pathos and real emotion.

Cullen
DAI's pensive Templar is one of my favorite characters across the trilogy, not least because he has a complex path through youth and into redemption and self-acceptance.

When I first played DAI, I remember assuming Cullen was mid- to late-thirties, just one of those ridiculous men who become more and more handsome as time passes. Except when fleeing our Warden's flirtations in DAO, he always seems like a guy who knows who he is, and who is certain of his own feelings.

But y'all. The reality is so much sadder.

The reality is actually more tragic to me—Cullen's a teenager in DAO, and in DA II he's just a traumatized guy in his twenties who really needed a vacation but who was instead sent to the worst possible place in the world for his next assignment: Kirkwall, where every bad opinion of mages he'd formed was confirmed. Where every corner contained a magical conspiracy.

Although barely 30, the Cullen of DAI knows better. He has finally realized how wrong he was, how corruptible even the best people are, and he has gone from confidence in his own infallibility to fear of causing harm for anyone under his watch: Mage, Templar, elf, qunari, human, dwarf, or otherwise.

Which is why, for me, Cullen's romance is sweet, hesitant, and sensitive. It's sexy but also realistic; there's the sense of real people dancing hesitantly toward each other here. He's someone old before his time; he's tired, self-doubting, and disillusioned. So the romance brings him back to himself in some lovely ways, while also reminding him of the importance of abandoning former hypocrisies and bigotries when it comes to mages or other races.

The most moving scene in Cullen's romance for me is the final one, when he desperately embraces a romanced Inquisitor in the chapel, both certain of his faith and fearful of her future.

Josie wants love, but she gives us the sense that she's not exactly seeking it out or expecting it. She's not chasing the physical, and is a fantastic ace option for Dragon Age: Inquisition protagonists.

Josephine
If you want an innocent romance, especially one with lovely, gently ace overtones, Josie's is the perfect choice for you, and it's a wonderful example of how different Josephine can be in her own quiet way.

As our resident Disney Princess, Josie seems like a typical privileged player of the Great Game, but she's so much more. She's quieter and gentler than Leliana, and still haunted by the one death that ever resulted at her own hands.

Josie wants love, but she gives us the sense that she's not exactly seeking it out or expecting it. She's not a physically outgoing person or after sensual pleasures. She's surprised and hesitant when flirted with, and disarmingly lovely simply for a few fairytale-worthy time-outs with the Inquisitor.

The culimination of Josie's romance is a dashing duel for her heart with the arranged suitor who will steal her hand in marriage, and my favorite moment of the entire situation is when Josie storms in, in a fit of temper, and tells everyone to calm down and control themselves. When the Inquisitor declares love, Josie is surprised and outright disbelieving:

Josephine: Why risk everything we've built? Why risk your life?
Inquisitor: Because I love you!
Josephine: You... you do?
Rival (best moment ever): He does?!
Inquisitor: I do.

And then the delighted kiss at the end, complete with leg-pop. It's the best possible fairytale ending you could ask for.

Blackwall believes he is doomed and does not deserve love. Of course, this makes him irresistible. 

Blackwall
I always love the characters who are so starved for love, for acknowledgement and redemption, and Blackwall's romance is deliciously angst-ridden, and oddly sweet. At every turn, he's blatant in his adoration of the Inquisitor and that he doesn't deserve her love. 

Blackwall's the romantic Knight-Errant ideal personified, the man with the tragic past who feels he cannot deserve his maiden, who cannot face his past actions. It makes his yearning for Josie sweet and sad, and his feelings for a romanced Inquisitor really quietly lovely.

So for me, my favorite romantic scene for him isn't the love scene (DUDES, he left me in a HAYLOFT. NAKED. NOPE.). It's when (earlier) he shyly shows up to the Inquisitor's quarters, and can't help but declare his feelings, and the kiss there. And of course he tells her she shouldn't love him, he shouldn't be there, and shouldn't kiss her.

That moment made me actively root for him and his redemption. And of course also made me love him more. Basically, every single time a pixellated character says, "Don't love me," I JUST LOVE THEM MORE.

It's human nature. And BioWare knows us all too well.

Dorian would run across vistas into his own arms to romance himself. Wouldn't we all?

Dorian
Okay, I'm biased here, because I love the "surprise kiss" more than life itself as a trope, and I am loud and proud, right here, with it. 

And Dorian's soft, surprising kiss to a romanced male Inquisitor, shortly after the revelations about his family and struggles, is so personal, so sweet and intimate and surprising, that I'm... y'all... it's just gorgeous. It's soft and sexy and prolonged just the right amount. 

The scene is also genuinely emotional, following Dorian's soft, sad account of his relationship with his father. The moment begins with him at the window at Skyhold, light falling on his impeccable profile, the Tevinter haircut more distinct here than anywhere else -- the shaved high sideburns, the dark curls of hair above. It's almost priestly in appearance.

And then he tells us about his father's shame over his choices. And then the poor guy has to immediately face Mother Giselle's innuendos about his relationship with the Inquisitor. Which, thank goodness, we can either allay or confirm (in all the best ways).

Inquisitor: Do you always answer a question with a question?
Dorian: Would you like me to answer in some other fashion?
Inquisitor: If you're capable.

Dorian rushes in, and... sigh. SHOOT ME, I'm not made of stone, people.

Sera's romance is sexy, exuberant, funny, combative and charming. Just don't go too 'elfy' and you'll be fine.

Sera
My poor darling Sera gets a bad rap. She's called out all the time for being rude, biased, or mean, and to me she's just tough and traumatized and trying to protect her little sweet taffy-soft heart.

Sera's romance is tough if you're an elfy-elf, and those are often what I've tended to play. But once you get past her flinty and protective exterior, she's soft and sweet and just as adorable as you might expect. 

Sera's romance is exuberant, funny, combative and charming. She knows her own mind, she loves women, she's decisive and fierce, and it's best if you're an Adaar and worst if you're a mage-friendly elfy-elf (please don't do it, just don't). 

Yes, she's intimidating (surprisingly so). But I love how smooth she is—for me, she's right up there with Solas as one of the smoothest companions when it comes to flirts. She openly calls our female Inky as pretty and shows only amusement at early flirtation attempts. 

Sera has a big moment mid-romance that's one of my favorite speeches across the trilogy. It's just so characteristic and real:

You don't act like nobles. I love that.
You don't hide. I love that.
(Varied) You don't like cookies. Convenient. Love that.
(Adaar) And just... look at you. Just... love that.
But seeing this really hurts. I'm fighting to make things better and learn truth and shit, and it just keeps getting scarier.

And when she called my Adaar "honey-tongue," um, it's really, really sexy. And I love her love scenes and how playful they are.

Solas's romance is high romance in the grandest Shakespearan tradition, where the best matches yearn hopelessly from afar, where sex occurs only rarely or just before death, and where outcomes usually end with "and with a kiss, I die." And I wouldn't have it any other way. Even as I tremble at the prospect of DA4 and what it will do to my poor heart.

Solas
Oh, he loves us. Yet he hides a terrible, tragic secret. Has there been any formula more deadly or more irresistible since time immemorial?

No. Nope. No, there hasn't. Just ask the thousands of happily weeping Solasmancers out there.

Solas's romance is high romance in the grandest Shakespearan tradition, where the best matches yearn hopelessly from afar, where sex occurs only rarely or just before death, and where outcomes usually end with "and with a kiss, I die."

I know it will shock blog readers (I KNOW!) but I love almost all of Solas's scenes, especially the romantic ones, but for me the biggest romantic zinger will always be the Fade Kiss.

I love all the other Solas Kisses (and it's a high bar, because, people, as a fictional character, it is highly apparent that the dude knows how to kiss), but there's something new and surprised there that always still gets me every time. I love all the others (I DO), but there, he's settled into the lie, he knows how to live there, sort of—but the Fade Kiss is the one discombobulated moment where Solas is literally going "HOLY CRAP, OKAY FINE, KISS ME YOU GORGEOUS THING."

So I do. And that's my favorite moment. Not just the kiss—but the kiss when he dives back in and goes for it.

We should all want that, right? The lover for whom one kiss is not enough. Solas may fight against this very thing, but let's face it... he doesn't fight that fricking hard, right? Not at first at least. Not for many many months. Until the endgame (and goodbye) looms and he faces the hardest choice of all.

But that's fantasy.

As far as reality, I'll wish you Fade romances, today and every day. Whether real or pixellated, I hope you romance a mage, a warrior, a rogue, a misfit, a lover, and get the love you deserve. And all the best kisses and cookies in the world.

And my work here is done. 

Happy Valentine's Day and beyond, you beautiful creatures! Thank you as always for reading!